‘Gutfeld!’ on CNN’s ratings compared to other cable networks, Air Force’s updated fitness test

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This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” July 1, 2021. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PHIL PONCE, CHICAGO TONIGHT HOST: There’s been questions raised about your temperament and your reaction to criticism. Tribune editorial use the term irascible. How much of this do you think might have to do with the fact that you’re a woman’s and specifically a black woman?

MAYOR LORI LIGHTFOOT (D) CHICAGO, ILLINOIS: About 99 percent of it.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Yes. And the other one percent was too busy getting shot in your city.

All right. Another great show tonight. Julie Banderas is back. Huh. Which is pretty amazing given yesterday’s boat trip.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

JULIE BANDERAS, FOX NEWS HOST: It was a huge week.

GUTFELD: But at least you dry it out.

BANDERAS: It did.

GUTFELD: I mean, you’re close. Michael Loftus is here. And as usual — as usual, he looks like he got dressed in the dark at a homeless shelter. Stole Boxcar Willie’s jacket, but he’s having a great summer If only he and his buddies could learn to throw Frisbee.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. Some friends, huh?

MICHAEL LOFTUS, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF, THELOFTUSPARTY.COM: You said you weren’t going to play that.

GUTFELD: Well, it’s too late.

LARKIN: You promised me.

GUTFELD: All right. Shut up, Loftus. So we’re all happy to be here with you. You know who’s not happy? CNN. What’s a destination for news when T.V. was in black and white, is now a motley assortment of glum freaks touting what’s left of their shredded reputation? They act like the former Soviet Union clinging to past glory and full economies. It’s a clown car minus the car. So between the first and second quarter of this year, the network has lost more than half of its audience.

Yes, in mere months, they went from six people trapped in an airport watching Don Lemon cry to three. And those three viewers were baggage handlers on break. Yes, they’re racing to the bottom faster than Brian Stelter eating a can of concentrated tomato paste. It’s not elegant, but it’s tasty. Their primetime hours are in freefall, averaging under a million viewers. Meanwhile, in the daytime, it’s roughly 650,000 viewers.

How I get that many viewers? When I do nude Pilates on my balcony. Reliable sources hosted by Captain Pop N’ Fresh lost 53 percent of its viewers since January. You know, remember is tough question to Jen Paski was asking her how he could do his job better. Well, that’s easy. Stop writing books about Fox News and report the news, you shaved, hamster. No wonder people take him as seriously as a Velcro wallet.

Since last year, CNN lost 49 percent of total viewers. They’re changing their slogan from the worldwide leader in news to the most watched news network at Planet Fitness. MSNBC lost viewers too, but not nearly as much. So you can’t attribute it to just generic disinterest. They got hit losing 37 percent in primetime. And Fox lost a little too, which is understandable given a country reopening, coming out of an election, summer arriving, slow news, Brian Kilmeade.

But there’s something else going on with CNN. They don’t have a single show in the top 20. Who could have predicted this?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DONALD TRUMP, FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Do you miss me? They missed me. They miss me. I know. They look at that bad ratings and they’re saying we missed this guy. I said it was going to happen. I was waiting for them to endorse me actually. I know that was a big step, but they’re going down the tubes and numbers are very bad.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It’s funny because it’s true. And it’s funny because it’s Trump. All CNN had going for it were broken remote controls at Grandma’s and a deep hatred for Trump and everything associated with them. From his once 89 million followers on Twitter to the guy who makes his taco salads. And once their target of hatred left the White House, their only narrative was orphaned.

Of course, they continued loading Trump supporters, but it just wasn’t the same. To CNN, the White House without Trump was like One Direction without Zayn. Going to let that reference sit for a while? See, Trump was such a big interesting target that CNN could feed off him like a giant leech. He was an endless buffet spread of yummy stories. Remove that. And you see CNN for what it is.

First unappealing and angry hosts. CNN was Karen, before it Karen even existed. In fact, it’s unfair to Karen’s to keep using that name negatively. When it’s really not Karen, it’s dawn, Chris and Anderson who were there first. CNN is the one-stop shaming network. Their disapproving anchors, always wagging an overpaid finger. They pass judgment like a cattle farm passes gas. CNN went from respective news to a rumor mongering hate machine.

You could say their fomenting of racial strife helped destroy cities. You could say they have more blood on their hands than Hannibal Lecter after lunch. You could say that, but I won’t. Because I’m not that type of guy. But also CNN’s obsession with Trump led to a butt loads of errors. From collusion to Kavanaugh, Lafayette Square, the Wuhan lab, Hands Up, Don’t Shoot, Avenatti, Russia, Russia, Russia.

They walked back more tails than a tuxedo delivery service. Yes. That was bad, huh? But their strategy was always to pivot from one Trump tail to another. Now that he’s gone, so goes that strategy. Meanwhile, the same time we saw CNN collapse, something else was going on. “GUTFELD!” was the number one cable news show in total viewers for the hour.

LOFTUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: But get this. Get this back. At 11:00 we surpass every CNN show in every hour, every hour in total viewers. Think about that. This little spunky show at 11:00 p.m. is beating all their shows in primetime. That’s not like David beating Goliath. It’s David beating Goliath and then marrying his sister, so you have to see him every Thanksgiving. This show also toppled some long-running alleged comedy shows on the broadcast networks, including both Jimmy’s.

Not a bad start for what the legacy media had branded a certain failure. They wanted us to fail so bad, because they’re miserable people. The failed comedians, the unhappy blog writers, the blue-check gawkers on Twitter, they needed this show not to work because they weren’t working either. But now the numbers are in and we crushed it. And weirdly, they’ve gotten quiet, but it’s not over yet.

I’m not ready to have the last laugh. I just enjoy the fact that we’re all laughing. We’re having a good time. We don’t talk down to the viewers. Well, let’s be honest, I can’t talk down to anyone. But we aren’t interested in dividing people. We don’t tell family members to inform on liberals or try to deplatform CNN. We want you to go to bed feeling hope and not hopeless. And we don’t think the other side is evil. We just think they’re wrong and human.

But they think we’re evil. And that’s the lesson. A network built on hate is failing. But a show built on love is thriving. I mean, look at the love that we show each other.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Tyrus, I’m glad you got dressed today. You’re not a clean person, are you? You’re a dirty slob.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Judge, you don’t care, you’re so rich.

JEANINE PIRRO, FOX NEWS HOST: I am not.

GUTFELD: Steve, welcome to the show, I gather you just got off a charity fun-run.

JESSE WATTERS, FOX NEWS HOST: Greg, you really blew that set-up.

GUTFELD: What is snobbery? Define snobbery?

TYRUS, FOX NATION HOST: You got a mirror?

GUTFELD: Jim, you are White, and I would say probably a jerk, right? Morgan, I hope you left your motorcycle out back.

It’s hard because you don’t have many friends to begin with, so did your friend circle shrink to, like, minus six?

Jimmy, it looks like you actually mugged Liberachi with that jacket.

You know, Abby, welcome to the show. I just want to warn you, this is not like Fox Nation where you can just use the F-word whenever you want.

TYRUS: That’s, you know, with — to that point, your bat (BLEEP) crazy.

GUTFELD: I was going to bring this up to you, Julie, because you have children, which is a scary thought.

You know, Loftus, I’m — once again, I’m glad you’re not — you’re refusing to get dressed up for this show.

I know that last night you were probably in some hotel room, bombed out of your (INAUDIBLE) you barely knew where you were.

You “FOX & FRIENDS” elitists with your curvy couches and your cooking segments, think you can come up here.

Luck for you, you’re a shut-in, you don’t go out very often.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It’s true.

GUTFELD: You know, Kat, before you got married, you were filthy.

You never went to bed this weekend, did you? You just came straight from the club.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, that’s love. And maybe our success and sense activity can teach CNN something. Maybe they’ll look at “GUTFELD!” and go, you know what, he’s more than just a pretty face. It’s also very short.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. She’s saucier and an explosion at Ragu factory. Fox News Anchor, Julie Banderas. He’s former A.G. who can bench press you and me. Former acting Attorney General, Matt Whitaker. When homeless people see him they give him spare change. The Loftusparty.com editor-in-chief, Michael Loftus. And they call her a bottle blonde because he brought Stoli to her hair appointment. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf.

Julia, quite impressive start for this show. Feel free —

BANDERAS: You’re welcome.

GUTFELD: Yes, thank you. Yes, yes. Feel free to compliment me and my success. Shower me with praise or just shower me?

BANDERAS: Well, I think every time that I’ve come on your ratings have been great.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: That’s true. That’s true. That’s true.

BANDERAS: I’m very proud of you. Especially you’ve really come a far away from not being able to read teleprompter back when you started red eye, to like gloriously going through a three- hour intro though without stumbling once, which is quite frankly, a miracle.

GUTFELD: Yes, I know. It’s a surprise that I even do — and I can even talk.

BANDERAS: No, I’m actually really impressed. You’ve come far away.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. What do you see, Matt, is the future for cable news? Because it seems to me that they’re in a downward spiral. Except for Fox of course, we’re on an upward spiral. I just coined that phrase.

MATT WHITAKER, FORMER ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL: Yes. We have now reached a point in in our society where this is entertainment, the news is entertainment. That’s what Trump kind of bridged, right? And now sleepy Joe Biden is not entertaining us.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: The American people are turning it off.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

WHITAKER: And that’s why — and that’s why you’re seeing your show as great as it is. But when we’re on this show, it’s better. But it’s entertainment, politics is now entertainment. And that’s what the American people look for. And that’s what you’re giving them. And that’s what Fox News is delivering too.

GUTFELD: Yes. You — the thing about Fox that is different than CNN is that we’re actually people.

BANDERAS: Wait.

GUTFELD: You know, I mean, like at CNN —

(CROSSTALK)

LOFTUS: Prove it.

GUTFELD: CNN, just the — all variation —

BANDERAS: What are you talking about?

GUTFELD: CNN are all variations of one person. But Fox is all different people were like — and so that people develop relationships with people on this network and feel like they know them. And that is different than you when you turn on CNN and everybody’s just a different version of Anderson Cooper. And guess — you’re putting your finger to your mouth like you have a thought.

LOFTUS: It’s almost like it’s “FOX AND FRIENDS.”

GUTFELD: Michael, we’re going to get to the beast reality segment in the (INAUDIBLE) don’t jump ahead. You think I’m kidding?

BANDERAS: No.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: That’s what you call a long tease. But we are going to do that story. No. And the other thing too, is that I think that once Trump started hammering the phrase fake news, which wasn’t a new idea, because we were always talking about bias in the news. But once it was coming from the White House and that he was doing it every day. It changed the media who then had to defend itself but couldn’t.

LOFTUS: The whole thing is wonderful. Like the success of this show is truly wonderful. It’s a reminder of that we’re not crazy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LOFTUS: Because for years and years and years, you think, wow, all these stories lean to the left, they all lean to the left, they lean to the left. And then you’re like, OK, so I’m not crazy. And when Trump was elected, the masks came off. And CNN they were — they were just like Trump junkies.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LOFTUS: You know, and they turned out a big part of the country. Those poor people who would watch CNN and like really believe it every day. And just like, oh, today’s the day. They’re going to get it.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

LOFTUS: The walls are closing in.

(CROSSTALK)

LOFTUS: The walls are closing in. Those for people, just the adrenaline rush after a — there’s like that — they’re not watching CNN because they’re collapsed in a bathroom sobbing and just rocking themselves. It’s horrible.

GUTFELD: Hey, I mean, you know that feeling intimately.

LOFTUS: I do.

GUTFELD: I’m just happy that you almost cleaned yourself up. You know, it is interesting that CNN, OK? So we — everybody uses the phrase, Karen and it is unfair to women named Karen, because it’s just — it’s almost bigoted. But CNN is more like Gladys from Bewitched. Remember, Gladys was the next-door neighbor and constantly consumed. Hated the Bewitched family, but was consumed by them. I’m talking about something that happened before Kat’s birth.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes. I was going to say. You’re going to have to use a different cultural reference because of my youth.

GUTFELD: It’s a — they’re like a nosy neighbor that is obsessed with you.

TIMPF: Oh, yes.

GUTFELD: And so they’re — hate you, hate you, hate you but they’re like Brian Stelter’s reliable sources. It’s about Fox News.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: It’s always about Fox News. Nothing else.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: So where do you see this going, young lady? I’d like to say you deserve personal Ready for the success of this show, but I’ll leave that up to the viewers.

TIMPF: No. You had to and I understand but also everyone like he didn’t have to bring me along on this journey as they call it on The Bachelor, in the bachelorette.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Well, I will. I think it’s awesome. I think it’s great that we talk about stuff that other people don’t talk about. Not everybody has the exact same point of view on the show. And like you said, we’re caught, you know, starting with this and we’re ending the show with beast reality. You won’t see that on CNN.

GUTFELD: No. Or —

WHITAKER: And it between we’re going to talk about (BLEEP)

TIMPF: That’s true.

GUTFELD: By the way, I mean, the story in the E block is an interesting debate that is raging in social media, and it — but it happens to — involve a woman making out with a dog.

BANDERAS: Which is there’s nothing wrong with that.

WHITAKER: I’m a former prosecutor. Actually, I think in every state, it’s banned. Let’s just do the show in reverse.

(CROSSTALK)

BANDERAS: Define making act.

GUTFELD: I can’t believe we’re talking about this in the E block.

TIMPF: I’m really excited for it.

BANDERAS: I am too.

TIMPF: My whole life has led up to this E block.

GUTFELD: All right. Up next. Does the V.P. treat her staff like rip rap?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Her boss confused, her mood amused. Her staff abused. A new report from Politico which is Spanish for Politico describes the Office of V.P. Kamala Harris as an unhealthy chaotic dysfunctional mess. Much like Michael Loftus’ outfit. Wow. You saw that one coming? It’s like a Frisbee in the desert. All right.

LOFTUS: On the water.

GUTFELD: Yes. There you go. All right. Enough from him. You could say it borders on abuse if Kamala was so afraid of borders.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Count it.

GUTFELD: The report cites 22 current and former V.P. aids and associates of Harris and President Biden and pointing the finger at Harris as well as Chief of Staff Tina Flournoy. According to Politico, Florida has been overly protective of Harris, and that’s led to an environment where ideas are ignored, decisions are dragged out and staffers get blamed for poor results.

Said one source, “There are short fuses and it’s an abusive environment. People often feel mistreated. It’s not a place where people feel supported, but a place where people get treated like S. Meanwhile, Harris’ chief spokesperson called the anonymous sources, cowards for airing complaints to the media. She didn’t call them racist, but give it time. But now she is. I mean, frankly, I’m more curious what her boss thinks of this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Look, look, look, I understand the predicament of the Vice President. Because I’ve been there, man. As Chaka Khan might say, I feel for you. I was Vice President from 2008 to 1976. And I can summarize the whole thing with one of my famous whisper poems. I didn’t do a lot. I didn’t do a lot. But that which I did do, I forgot.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: (INAUDIBLE) But I still feel for Harris. Every staff has bad stories about their bosses, even mine.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Tell me about an odd time you encountered Greg?

TIMPF: Well, one time he told me I had to work on Saturday. But then he picked me up in his car and took me to the center for at-risk youth. And we read to them all day. And then he handed me this bag of gold bars, told me to give one to each of them. He said he got them from William DeVane. He said there’s never been a better time to buy gold.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, I’ve never had a bad experience with Greg. No. He’s asked for a better boss. I mean, he’s supportive and firm, very, very firm. Oh, my God. Oh, God.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, early this week. He was late for work. So I went to his house to check on him. And when I went in, there was 100-wounded baby birds lay down. And he was chewing food and feeding them. He was spitting it into their mouth. And I was like, hey, dude, we got to get to work. And he’s like, we’re not going anywhere until all 100 of these birds are fed.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Back then every one of them. All right, Matt. You had an interesting boss. And let’s say — let me contend that when — if you’re a boss, you’re always going to have underlings bad mouthing you is — was it hard working for Donald Trump?

WHITAKER: A little bit. But, you know, the good news for Kamala Harris is at least she wasn’t accused of eating her salad with us — with her comb.

GUTFELD: Comb. That’s right.

TIMPF: Oh, yes.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: So I mean, that’s the good news for her. I mean, these anonymous sources, they are cowards but, you know, it is — to some extent, the White House is a pressure cooker, and a lot of people can’t handle it. And it’s, you know, it’s — you’re on a tightrope with no net, and you just have to do the job or not, and only the strong survive. But, you know —

GUTFELD: It’s a tradeoff.

WHITAKER: Yes. Washington, D.C. smells fear. The media smells fear. President Trump certainly could — if you were afraid of him he knew it and he — and you just have to be fearless and be unafraid of what the next, you know, knowing you may not have a career or you might end up on a show like this.

GUTFELD: Same thing. Same thing. I mean, look at Loftus, he’s hanging by a thread. And that thread is hanging from his jacket. Ladies and gentleman. Ah, Kat. The good — they said 22 sources were part of this article. You don’t even know 22 people. So your —

TIMPF: Big God, I don’t.

GUTFELD: I know. It’s going to be a shut in.

TIMPF: Yes. And not only that, I mean, she started with almost an entirely new staff.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: I mean, people obviously don’t like to work for her. And you know what, a lot of these people, I’m sure it’s tough. But they should just be lucky that she’s not putting any of them in jail. He likes doing that, even when you haven’t done sometimes anything wrong.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. If I had the power to put people in jail, oh, I would use that all the time.

(CROSSTALK)

WHITAKER: It’s an amazing power.

TIMPF: Hard to be good as much as she is.

GUTFELD: By the way, can you put people in jail still?

WHITAKER: Not currently, no.

GUTFELD: All right.

BANDERAS: He can bail us out.

GUTFELD: Oh, that’s why I have him on.

WHITAKER: But I can defend the wrongly accused.

TIMPF: Excellent.

GUTFELD: Why waste your time with that? You know, they probably did something. All right, Michael. The thing that bothers me about this story, I mentioned it earlier on the show you might have heard of called “THE FIVE.” I don’t like it when they use — I will call it bully rhetoric or incendiary rhetoric for minor things. So when you — when you hear about this story, they’re like oh, it’s an abusive atmosphere. It’s mistreatment toxicity.

So they’re talking about that they’re living it like three-mile Island. You know what, I mean, or they’re working at the Fukuyama nuclear plant? Did I —

WHITAKER: Fukushima.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

LOFTUS: It was called —

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: That’s a Japanese restaurant.

GUTFELD: Yes, it is.

(CROSSTALK)

LOFTUS: I just can’t believe we’re talking about the Vice President’s office. It’s in disarray. How hard is it?

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true.

LOFTUS: Here’s what you’re going to wear to this funeral, go to the border. Wake up at 9:00, go to bed at a reasonable hour. It’s so easy to be vice president. Anybody in this room could start in an hour and we’d be knocking it out of the park. How was anything going wrong? How is anything, you know, and oh, there’s leaks, there’s leaks to the media. There’s loose lips in Kamala’s administration. Go figure it. Loose lips. Sink ships.

GUTFELD: Really? Do you have to be nice to be a good boss? I mean, look, I’m a boss. People respect me. And they know if they crossed me, they’re dead. Does that make me a good boss?

BANDERAS: No, you don’t need to be nice. I mean, you need to be fake. You need to learn how to fake and you need to know how to (BLEEP) which we’ll talk about that later.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BANDERAS: I should be a boss.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BANDERAS: But as far as this is concerned, I found this to be an educational experience. I learned a lot from her spokesperson who’s also her senior advisor. So, it’s only like one person that can handle being in charge of her. She came out and made a valid point that they are not making bunnies and rainbows.

GUTFELD: Right.

BANDERAS: Which I found to be comforting.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BANDERAS: If she was breeding rabbits in the White House, there wouldn’t give her much time for like, I don’t know, controlling the border. But then again, that’s not going so well. So I say make rainbows because I love rainbows.

GUTFELD: But either way it is a hairy situation.

WHITAKER: Oh.

GUTFELD: I know.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I think — you know what I think? This is my theory. Dr. Jill is behind this whole thing. Dr. Jill is feeding all this stuff.

WHITAKER: And we need — we need to get to the root cause of the dysfunction in her office.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

TIMPF: Nicely done.

LOFTUS: Yes. Which probably is in Ecuador.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LOFTUS: Like you can probably find that in Guatemala before you’d find the actual border solution.

GUTFELD: You know what, I think all this disunity is caused by climate change.

LOFTUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: And racism.

TIMPF: There’s no proof that it’s not.

LOFTUS: White rage.

GUTFELD: White rage.

LOFTUS: Is at the heart of it.

GUTFELD: All right. Up next. Is the Air Force fitness test aiming for less than the best?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Should the Air Force be tweaked to accommodate the weak and include pencil neck geeks with lousy physiques. That is worthy of an Eden wrap, my friend. Great news for pochi pilots, the U.S. Air Force has announced changes to their physical fitness test to give service members more and possibly easier options. The new test will allow Airmen, excuse me air persons, to choose between their traditional 1.5-mile run sprints or walking for the aerobic portion.

They can also choose between planks or sit-ups, push-ups, or raised hand push-ups. FYI last year, the testers removed the unpopular waist circumference measurement, replacing it with a pie eating contest. Said the Air Force Chief of Staff AKA, the guy in charge of making lower standards and positive: “Testing options will put flexibility in the hands of our Airmen where it belongs. We know not all Airmen maintain their fitness the same way and may excel in different areas.”

Nice. Anyway, perhaps this adjustment reflects the fitness crisis among civilians. Americans are heavier, less active and more injury prone than ever, especially when those injuries are caused by reaching for the drive thru window. And frankly, we need our servicemen and women to be in better shape than us. It’s what my gym teacher once told me many years ago, Greg, the showers are only for the people actually in the class, and I wasn’t even bathing.

So Loftus? Is this a sign I hear the wo-suffocation of our nation, or is this just an inevitability that we’re changing as human beings and we’re evolving?

MICHAEL LOFTUS, COMEDIAN: Nope, this is terrifying.

GUTFELD: OK.

LOFTUS: This is straight up scary. And this is the kind of thing like I don’t think we should let this out here. Like, hey, we’re so fat you can walk to get in. Like, no, we need that we need the rest of the world to think that like our military is just hardcore trained killers.

GUTFELD: But maybe that’s, maybe that’s what we’re saying that we don’t even need human, to be humans to be fit our technology.

LOFTUS: Right? At some point we’ll be doing an episode like the fitness test is can you hold this Xbox controller?

GUTFELD: If that’s what it is? Drones?

LOFTUS: That’s, that’s a terrifying notion. I don’t want that at all. I want to think that like human beings get up and they can defend the nation.

MATT WHITAKER, FORMER ACTING UNITED STATES ATTORNEY GENERAL: Who’s good at the handheld controllers and droids?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: And, and 300-pound guys in their mom’s basement.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

WHITAKER: So, I mean, this fitness test is made for those guys.

GUTFELD: Yes, no, but I mean, if you look at technology, and maybe even I mean, they’re having a hard time finding pilots, apparently. But you are actually elite athletes. Does this bother you?

WHITAKER: No, because I am. Just by looking at me, I mean, it’s it’s very obvious, right? But I mean, we should have a lot of respect for the military and our veterans. But at the same time, we’re not, we don’t want our military to your point to walk to the sound of guns, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: I mean, we want warriors that are bad assets that that that break stuff and kill people.

GUTFELD: Yes, I mean, that’s all it is.

WHITAKER: That’s all it is.

GUTFELD: At its most basic, you’re actually kind of like Julie Bandera. It’s you’re just supposed to just destroy things.

BANDERAS: Well, yes, but it sounds like they’re actually just looking for an average jewelry vendors. I wouldn’t want me protecting us from terrorists. And then the benchmark is that you don’t even have to do a real sit up, which again, goes back to me. I do my setups modified on my knees – – shut up, Greg. And, I mean, I don’t — again, I don’t think that qualifies me to do anything, quite frankly, except to sit here. It’s like post-pandemic couch potatoes. That’s what they’re looking for.

GUTFELD: What else do you do in your exercise program?

BANDERAS: I lift my wine to my face, and it’s a heavy glass so my biceps are ripped.

GUTFELD: Kat let’s just approach the elephant in the room, right? Does this have something to do with women in the military and the less muscle mass of women and they can’t do as many pushups?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I’ve never done a push up.

GUTFELD: Never?

TIMPF: Never. I can’t. I don’t want to break my face. On one hand, I feel you know, I feel like I can’t knock, you know, having to create new standards for people because they had to do that for me in gym class in high school.

GUTFELD: Really?

TIMPF: We did a whole unit of weightlifting and the gym teach you how to do a special routine just for me because I couldn’t bench the bar. But also, I, yes, I’m not trying to be on the front lines anywhere.

GUTFELD: I think you know, it’d be really you know, that how we have, we have nuclear arms treaties. So, this is a great idea. We should have lower standards treaty with all other countries. So, like, we’re going to drop our standards. What are you doing? We’re going to drop our suit, so then it doesn’t matter. Fat people, everybody 56-year-old dudes can be in the army because they’ll do, said that way — we always maintain.

TIMPF: Old fat army would be a great slapstick comedy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LOFTUS: It was called Stripes, wasn’t it?

GUTFELD: Up next, does la had was this — I didn’t even finish by dismissal of her. I was — whatever. Does lying on the fly make you a smarter guy?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Does yanking someone’s chain mean you’ve got a bigger brain? A recent Canadian study. Canada has research? Anyway, they found that having the ability to effectively (BLEEP) other people is often a sign of intelligence. Researchers presented participants with various concepts, some real some fake and ask them to provide convincing explanations for those concepts, not based on facts. Turns out the best B.S.ers also did better on intelligence test too.

Researchers added that not everyone who is smart will be a good B.S.er, similar to the way that not all smart people are also funny. Fact is, there doesn’t seem to be any upside to being stupid, besides having your own show if you’re related to a governor. But it’s like Abe Lincoln once said, you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you won’t believe how many squirrels I can fit under this hat. He didn’t really say that, Julie.

BANDERAS: I was waiting for a video of squirrels in your app.

GUTFELD: I think Julie that the ability for a person to detect detect B.S. is a higher form of intelligence than actual B.S.

BANDERAS: Well, they actually had a panel of B.S. raters that actually judged these people, which is hilarious. But I did learn today, something also fascinating, I am a genius according to the study. Because when I was a freshman in high school, I didn’t pay attention much, I don’t know if it’s hard to imagine this, but I wasn’t the best student.

GUTFELD: Right?

BANDERAS: And so I came home with my report card one time more than once, actually. And, and I told my parents that they were high Fs, they were straight Fs — I am not making this up. But they were high Fs, like 60s.

GUTFELD: Yes.

BANDERAS: You know, low 60s.

GUTFELD: Yes, which is better than half.

BANDERAS: But that’s better than a low F, like it wasn’t a 30 so I almost got a D which means I almost passed.

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go. And that would pass in the modern curriculum but as a pass fail 60.

BANDERAS: Yes.

GUTFELD: I was thinking about this Loftus, what do you actually as a human being, what do you B.S. about now? It’s like, I don’t, I don’t like, I’m trying to like —

LOFTUS: You’re B.S. about everything.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LOFTUS: You B.S. about the 1619 Project, Critical Race Theory, you do B.S. little studies about B.S.

GUTFELD: Yes!

LOFTUS: Incredible thing I’ve ever seen.

GUTFELD: This is a study to prove its point.

LOFTUS: Do something (BLEEP) science. What are these people doing? Like you know we could work on Parkinson’s disease or an interesting study about the level of intelligence and detecting the blank B.S. Oh, let’s do that. How much money we should be living in (BLEEP) Jetsons right now? But people keep doing stuff like this. They asked me not to say B.S. and I’m letting F drop.

GUTFELD: I know. My poor producers going, well, there goes my evening. I was going to, I was going to sit home and play with my, my new baby, my newborn baby but instead I’ll be here editing Loftus. I’m joking. Our producer doesn’t have a baby. But I thought I just wanted to make you feel bad. Kat, you already feel bad, so I’m going to have to start. Is it B.S. just lying?

TIMPF: Yes, it’s lying. And also, I don’t think this is fair because in this study, they were telling them they were supposed to be B.S.-ing.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Right? Like I probably would do well with that. In real life, I cannot do that. Just because of the level of anxiety that I have within me, I can’t start to add lying because I then have more things to freak out about and I would probably walk around like this all the time.

LOFTUS: OK. My B.S. detector is going off right now. That’s what people always say who plan on lying. They’re like, I can’t even lie. I have anxiety about lying.

WHITAKER: Talking from experience. That’s — but did you see the study?

LOFTUS: Do you want me to tell you what I really think about you right now?

LOFTUS: Please do.

WHITAKER: Did you see they defined what B.S. was in the study? It was very, there was a definition of what B.S. is. It’s not just sort of lying, it’s not fibbing, it’s, it’s kind of what 4-year-olds do when they’re trying to convince you of an alternate theory for how the cookies were no longer in the cookie jar.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: And, and I just made that up, so it’s totally B.S.-ing you.

GUTFELD: But actually, I was like, trying to figure out like, do I B.S.? And the only the only example I can think of is trying to get a prescription renewed for something I don’t have. That is the best example. It’s like when you, because you, because when you’re talking to a doctor, you have to get around his moat. You have to get around a rusty — you got to figure out, that’s what, B.S.-ing is like, if I’m trying to be B.S. you, I’m trying to figure out what is the vulnerability that I can get to you and get past you? And then you have to be the one that is like, can I detect the B.S.?

WHITAKER: You know, I’ve interviewed criminals before.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: And they looked at me just like that.

GUTFELD: How do you, how can you tell when somebody’s lying?

WHITAKER: There’s all sorts of tells.

GUTFELD: Yes.

WHITAKER: I mean, they look up to the left that you know, you look at their hands you look at their body language. I mean, there’s, there’s, there’s a lot of ways to tell if people are lying.

GUTFELD: It’s funny.

WHITAKER: Why is there something you need to share?

GUTFELD: Yes, I do. I think, I do think it’s true, like when you shift your eye contact, that’s you know, that’s usually a tell but what if you just don’t like making eye contact?

BANDERAS: Yes, I was going to say. I like all the time, but I can look you straight in the eye.

GUTFELD: Yes, you are a great liar.

BANDERAS: So, I mean, I don’t know we should do a lie detector.

WHITAKER: We should.

GUTFELD: We did that on “Red Eye” once, it was not a pleasant evening.

All right. Up next, is it weird to give your pooch and open mouth smootch?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: should you share a snog with your dog? A woman named Alex Cooper who hosts the hit podcast “Call Her Daddy” is getting crap for this video. She recently posted to her Instagram story. Watch it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ALEX COOPER, PODCAST HOST: Henry.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: OK. So, she deleted that video but not before some people captured it and circulated online, accusing her of the B word. Bestiality, oh. She later discussed it on her, disgust it, on her podcast saying: “There is nothing wrong with what I chose to let that dog do to my mouth.” Man, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that, it’d be $1.85. Anyway, it’s time we tackle the age old question.

ANNOUNCER: “IS IT BESTIALITY?”

GUTFELD: Welcome back. It’s “IS IT BESTIALITY,” and I’m your host, Greg Gutfeld. I came up with this segment idea eight years ago, and I was just waiting for the right story to use it. So, thank you, Alex. I’m going to defend you. Bet you didn’t discuss anything like this when you were A.G. right, Matt?

WHITAKER: We usually don’t have the video. I mean, you know that, that video is horrifying. I really, I feel bad for the dog.

GUTFELD: You know what it is, the dog —

WHITAKER: It’s exploited.

GUTFELD: You know the dog didn’t have any consent here, Julie.

BANDERAS: No, I know, I want to call actually, you know, Child Protective Services for the dog, Canine Protective Services. There’s such a thing? I don’t think it is bestiality. However, I do think she needs to get her dog’s tongue out of her mouth and wake the hell up. She called the person who took this and put it on Twitter and a-hole and said it was only up for 30 seconds and some a-hole put it on Twitter, who she call it an a-hole? She’s the one that took the video of her dog, you know, deep tonguing, throating her. Anyway, Kat, you know, how do you feel? Is this bestiality?

TIMPF: Probably not. It is gross. But this dog video is far from the worst thing she’s ever done. OK, she’s single-handedly ruined the word daddy for an entire generation. I used to listen to this podcast when it was the two hosts but since it was just her, it’s awful. It drives me crazy how she thinks she’s so taboo, when really she’s so boring.

The last time I listened to it. She was like, I listen up people won’t talk about this, but I will OK, daddy, God, daddy, daddy (BLEEP) my dad. But like there was a lot more daddy and swearing and hyping up like she was going to say something groundbreaking, then she goes, if you have sex, trying to initiate sex with your boyfriend, he’ll like that. Like, who does not know that?

Who older than the age of 14 does not know that? Which makes me think all of our listeners are maximum 14-years-old, which to me is a lot weirder than making out with a dog. Like, and if the fan see this, they’ll probably come after me and they’re like, you know, you know, but I already know she has way more money than I ever will. She has way more boobs than I ever will, they could probably say I’m jealous but all her listeners are probably jealous of me because I’m old enough to legally purchase white claw.

GUTFELD: You know, that was quite a speech.

TIMPF: Thank you.

WHITAKER: How do you really feel?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: That’s how I feel. That’s how I feel. You know I feel better, I think.

WHITAKER: Good.

GUTFELD: We did reach out to what’s your name again, Alex, for comment?

TIMPF: Daddy.

BANDERAS: I had no idea who the hell she was until today, just for the record.

GUTFELD: Neither do I. But I love, I love Alex. We tried to contact her she can’t get back. I love her because she provides content for this show. I never would have been able, Michael to have used that Nexio, what’s called a Nexio? A T.V. talk for graphic design that moves, Nexio. It’s also going to be the name of my first child that I steal.

TIMPF: Now, that you can’t name daddy anymore.

GUTFELD: Michael, tell me your thoughts.

LOFTUS: I think this was a brilliant move by this girl, right? She’s really pretty. She’s got the podcast about sex and stuff. I imagine people are hitting on her all the time. Now, you just let that video out. Here’s me getting it all with a dog, like everybody. That’s like everybody’s going to avoid her like the plague because she has those interesting sex tips that initiates sex —

TIMPF: I will say, in terms of sex for middle schoolers, she’s unparalleled.

LOFTUS: That’s like —

GUTFELD: I’m going to say that I’m going to, I’m the final judge. I’m like John McLaughlin on the Bestiality Friday.

LOFTUS: What do you say?

GUTFELD: I’m going to say no, it’s not bestiality. Dog’s mouth is often cleaner than a human’s, and a lot of people do like their animals. And you know, maybe, you know, it seems like he made the first move.

TIMPF: She’s that animal’s daddy.

GUTFELD: If you keep doing that, Kat, I’m going to send you to —

TIMPF: Imagine listening to it.

GUTFELD: Well, I am. I don’t have to. All right, don’t go anywhere. We’ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: All right, my Gutfeld live shows are now coming back after COVID. I’m going to be in Nashville, Tennessee, August 22nd on Sunday; Memphis, Tennessee, October 9; Birmingham Alabama, November 13th; in Newark, lovely Newark, New Jersey on December 12. Ticket info is at GGutfeld.com, please go there. You can enjoy it.

All right, set your DVRs every night so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Julie Banderas, Matt Whitaker, Michael Loftus, Kat Timpf, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.

Content and Programming Copyright 2021 Fox News Network, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Copyright 2021 VIQ Media Transcription, Inc. All materials herein are protected by United States copyright law and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published or broadcast without the prior written permission of VIQ Media Transcription, Inc. You may not alter or remove any trademark, copyright or other notice from copies of the content.



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