This is a rush transcript of “Gutfeld!” on January 19, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: You’ll love this show. Clap, clap you, pleads. You’re nothing without me. Happy Wednesday, everyone. Oh, what a glorious show we have for you tonight. Mike Baker is back fresh from killing someone with his shoelaces. God, I hope it’s Kilmeade. I keep having Mike on the show in hopes he’ll arrest Kat. Bill Hemmer is here.
BILL HEMMER, FOX NEWS ANCHOR: Hey, hey, hey.
GUTFELD: Yes. He does the news with that crazy dog lady. After every show he has to get checked for ticks and fleas.
HEMMER: Uh-huh. Who the —
GUTFELD: Hemmer. His eyes will hold you hostage while his face demands ransom for being so handsome.
HEMMER: There you (INAUDIBLE)
GUTFELD: Yes. You go. Jamie Lissow also back. He’s the hottest comic at Fairbanks, Alaska, which is like having the best set of teeth on the Greyhound bus. But I get it. He moved to Alaska hoping the arctic air would keep audiences from leaving. But what a busy day of news. We’re going to get to Joe in the next block. But first, it’s insurrection part two as dozens of rioters descend into the Oval Office, as the President and Vice President are taken by surprise.
Look at that chaos. Oh my god. Can you help the FBI? Dear viewers identify the insurrectionists. Our democracy is at stake. This is worse than Watergate, 9/11 and Pearl Harbor. Of course, that’s Madame Tussauds’ new wax replicas of our president and vice president. It’s the first time those two have been seen together in months. Plus, those wax figures have already held more press conferences.
But also with Joe this might be the first time to so wax figure is more lifelike than its inspiration. They tell me Joe’s figure was actually made out of his own ear wax. He’s been collecting it in a mayonnaise jar for years, not the only one, Kat. Speaking of wax figures, did anyone catch Colbert the other night? No. Well, if laughter caused cancer, his audience has been in remission for 10 years.
Talk about a change of hearts however. Remember, I was terrified that under Trump all our precious institutions would be destroyed. Well, Donald’s gone, and the only folks craving destruction are Democrats, including Dear Stephen. Yes. It started with statues. And it’s never stopped.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
STEPHEN COLBERT, CBS HOST: If you can’t get rid of the filibuster. What about — and just hear me out here and try hear this objectively?
SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN (D-MA): I’m ready.
COLBERT: What if we just get rid of the Senate? And I’m 100 percent serious here. It is the most anti-Democratic institution next to the judiciary because the judiciary is only the way it is because the Senate is the way it is.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Oh. I’m thinking the only thing that should be abolished is Colbert’s writing room. Damn. That was even too crazy for Liz Warren. She was ready to send a smoke signal to the tribe to come rescuer. So all the people screaming about threats to our Republican attacks in our democracy are now upbeat about burning it all down. They’re happy about executive order forced vaccination.
They’re thrilled about the government working with big tech to censor dissent. They’re A, OK with harsh treatment by the DOJ over political opponents. And why? Because they love power, but they can’t persuade. And when you can’t persuade you change the rules or you enforce new ones. Colbert is that guy you’re beating in a monopoly game. So he flips the board over. And he wants to abolish the Senate because that abolishes the power of the states and leaves the power to the dirt bags in D.C., Chicago’s, San Fran, L.A. and NYC.
And you seen the good job they’ve done with their cities, right? Their cities are disastrous because they thought tearing down statues was a bigger priority than subway shivers. They thought people cared more about trans bathrooms than train robberies. They thought pitting people against each other was superior to protecting them from maniacs. So while the country lurches into a dark abyss, Biden once again divides us tweeting about Jim Crow 2.0.
Again, falsely claiming that one-half of the country’s preventing the other half from voting, and then he offers no evidence. Instead, it’s just racial smears. This guy plays the race card more than Hunter plays with himself. And judging by the laptop, that’s nothing to shake a stick at. Joe claims the bill is meant to prevent election fraud. But when we told that mentioning fraud undermines public faith in elections, and besides, was it 2020 a perfect election?
My guess it’s B.S. They really want ballots to be as insecure as the view and a spin class. Frankly, I’m confused by all this misinformation. So thank God for CNN. They’re hiring new staffers to fight fake news.
[23:05:03]
The only thing you need to do to land a job over there is a trench coat, a bag of candy and working knowledge of the local playgrounds. On Twitter, Alex Koppelman announced CNN is creating a new team dedicated to covering false news. That should be easy. They’ll never have to leave their own building. All they’re investigating will lead them to Jeff Zucker’s office. It’s kind of like Alec Baldwin teaching gun safety.
Complements says it’s about covering the uses and abuses and distortions of reality. If that’s true, then start with the three C’s championed by CNN. Collusion, Covington, Crime, it probably spell Kyle Rittenhouse with a C for how much they lied about him. Then throw in some Kavanaughs, Smollett, those crazy stories about Don Jr. meeting with Shady Russians. He got your first year wrapped up.
And let’s not forget how misinformation is made by hiding the news from underplaying riots, to hiding Hunter’s laptop, to mocking the murderer’s crime wave. All covered up by CNN. So they’re also hiring reporters, the kind who “Feel like you have to jump down every rabbit hole you see.” The kind who spend more time on the internet than anyone really should. Basically they’re looking to hire that 400-pound guy sitting on his bed, as Trump would say losers too fat and lazy to join Antifa.
But I feel for the poor staff. Like Brian Stelter putting on leggings. They’re going to have to work overtime to cover themselves. I just wonder how they’re going to do it.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Tonight on The Chess News Network.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: David Brooks for Chess News Network. I’m outside their near-city headquarters. We received reports of someone spreading misinformation. It has not been adequately fact checked. We believe it could lead to a hubbub, possibly brouhaha or worse, independent thought. Let’s take a look.
Peter Pon. What the hell?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Peter Pon here. Chest News Network’s number one reporter investigating reports of a journalist spreading misinformation. Hey, Brooks.
(CROSSTALK)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: (INAUDIBLE) here with the Chest News Network where we’ve identified two possible sources of misinformation. Back to you, Grand.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: My name’s Greg. But anyway — but finally at least there’s some good news for everyone, especially those in New York.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BILL DE BLASIO, FORMER MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY: So, this is the right place for me to share some news with you. No, I am not going to be running for governor in your state.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Like he ever had a chance. So de Blasio won’t be running for gov. And also I won’t be participating in the slam dunk contest that this year’s NBA All-Star game. Bill, you harden fuzzy clump of excrement. Thanks for letting us know even though nobody asked. Like Godzilla stomping through Tokyo, you destroyed a city and now you’re jobless. So here’s an idea. Go work at CNN. You can’t kill something that’s already dead.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.
GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. His friends call him the hammer because they don’t know how to spell. America’s Newsroom co-anchor Bill Hemmer. He’s like a real life Jack Bauer, not because he’s former CIA because it takes him 24 hours to complete a sentence. Former CIA operative and host of The Black Files Declassified at Discovery Science Channel. Well, that’s obscure. Mike Baker.
And if he’s here, Rob Schneider is taking the night off. Actor, writer and comedian Jamie Lissow. Finally, like an analog clock. She’s got a pale face, too skinny arms it is hated by children. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf.
Bill Hammer, as always the sexiest man alive in my version of People Magazine. So, isn’t it — CNN opening an anti-fake news like Bureau, whatever you want to call it. That is like me deciding to crack down on poop jokes.
HEMMER: Yes.
GUTFELD: I mean, that’s all I do. That’s all they do is turn out fake news.
HEMMER: I guess it’s not going to end well.
GUTFELD: No.
HEMMER: I mean, how would they cover Hunter Biden’s laptop? Would they do it the same way Twitter did?
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEMMER: I canceled the New York Post. I have a theory.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEMMER: I saw that they’re looking to hire three people. And about a month’s time, I think it’s exactly 32 days from now. Trump goes online with his own social media network.
GUTFELD: Right.
HEMMER: So my theory is that this group is going to be set up to counter just about everything Trump puts online. And now you have your own branch in division to counter. What will be known as true social, I think the name of this. So there is the theory and we’ll see whether or not bad.
GUTFELD: That’s a really, you know, that’s why you’re so smart. And that you’re on the new side and I’m here because —
HEMMER: I could be wrong.
GUTFELD: No, you’re never wrong, Bill. You’re never wrong. Like you’re never ugly. You know, though, it made me think that like if they’re hiring three people, can you identify as more than one person because you can identify with anything, I’m going to start identifying is three different people. You know, Jamie I bet you have some very perceptive analysis on the — was — Madame Tussauds’ wax museum figures of our president and V.P. I would like to hear them from you.
JAMIE LISSOW, COMEDIAN: That’s a great question from both of you, Greg.
GUTFELD: Thank you.
LISSOW: Yes. I have one thing, Greg. I think if someone makes a wax statue of you, and it looks healthier than you do, you should immediately go to the hospital.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: Like if it looks better. But I guess this thing is super accurate. Like it’s the same — it’s the same exact height down to like a millimeter of Biden is the same density and weight and it also has the same amount of great ideas. So cool. I heard Jill went down there and now she pictures waxed Joe Biden during sex.
GUTFELD: So far, three for three. Do you want to stop now?
LISSOW: Can I say one more?
GUTFELD: This is like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. OK.
(CROSSTALK)
LISSOW: There was just so much there in what you said.
(CROSSTALK)
LISSOW: There’s just so much — like the — I had one quick thought on Colbert which is did you notice he says the thing about — what he says, this — and then the crowd laugh.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: Thinking it’s a joke and then remembers, oh, this is the Colbert Show. There’s no laughing.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: Like they almost like had to catch them.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: That’s why he said he had to come up and go, I’m deadly serious about that. That’s why like, I wasn’t going to run and go but once you say that, no, I’m serious about it. Mike, you look great. You look like Ethan Hawke.
MIKE BAKER, FORMER CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY OFFICER: Thank you very much. I’m just trying to keep up with Bill and the hammer.
GUTFELD: Yes. Yes.
GUTFELD: You’re like Ethan Hawke’s granddad.
BAKER: Wilford Brimley.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BAKER: Yes.
GUTFELD: So what do you — there’s a lot to chew from this monologue. I’d like to hear your —
BAKER: Lot to chew.
GUTFELD: — thoughts if you can — if you could form the thought in kind of a coherent statement where there’s a subject and a verb, object.
BAKER: So you want full sentence?
GUTFELD: Yes. I want full sentences.
BAKER: OK. Let me try. First with Colbert. I agree. I mean, I think — I think it’s been a long time since anybody’s left to Colbert but I go to him for all my knowledge of the constitution and how federal republic is supposed to work. But when you — what he says about just shutting down the Senate, if you go and troll through social media, the sheer number out (BLEEP) out there who actually have the same concept is remarkable.
People — they’re just basically saying, if at any point in time, the current administration or the group doesn’t agree with me, we just want change those rules.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BAKER: And the other thing I would say is with President Biden — are going to talk about his press conference?
GUTFELD: Yes. It’s in the P-block.
BAKER: I don’t know. I don’t read these things. Nobody tells me anything.
GUTFELD: Oh no. Blame (INAUDIBLE) He’s blaming my staff.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: OK, CIA guy. I just fired my staff. Because you said that.
BAKER: OK. Fine. See? I’ve done my job. So, no, I didn’t know. I just got in from Los Angeles, where we’ve been filming Black Files Declassified which is of course going into its second season in early March on Discovery.
GUTFELD: You are fulfilling the intro that I had for you.
BAKER: There you go.
GUTFELD: More like Jack Bauer’s 24. So Kat, I keep looking at CNN like somebody with a huge blind spot. Right? They don’t know when they’re doing this. How funny it is. It’s like a guy with the world’s worst toupee. And everybody looks at it, but he’s oblivious. And actually, he’s living a pretty good life because he is oblivious.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Actually bad toupees are better.
GUTFELD: Yes. That’s true.
TIMPF: Yes. I think it’s great. I appreciate a really bad toupee. All toupees —
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: Jamie’s for example.
LISSOW: I got rid of the one with the chin strap.
TIMPF: You shouldn’t have.
LISSOW: It’s too tight.
TIMPF: All that aside. Yes, absolutely. But they don’t have to because they don’t care clearly. I mean, their ratings are way down. And instead of again, trying something new, they’re like, let’s go in harder on this one. Remember the whole like, this is an apple.
GUTFELD: Right.
TIMPF: We’ll just tell you, it’s an apple and we only have the facts here. How many times have they been wrong? I’ve lost count of how many times they’ve been wrong. And they’re just — instead of saying, hey, you know what, a lot of this, you know, this isn’t a news anchor. This is actually an opinion host and kind of acknowledging those sorts of things. No, they’re going to be the ones, you know, standing against misinformation.
They have this self important attitude.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: If it wasn’t for them nobody would know what was true. If it wasn’t for — and nobody even watches it.
GUTFELD: I know. The — you’re only — the only people that watch it are by accident, but they did — last one because we got to roll is that it seems to me that misinformation now is the new hate speech. So it’s not like you say something wrong. It’s like words equal deeds. So they say that now misinformation is deadly. And that builds the case for cracking down on it, which is what they’re doing to Fox, you know, or anybody else that beats the pants off them.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: By the way, they’d like to get their pants beaten off on those perverts.
BAKER: There’s a difference between misinformation and disinformation too. And look, I spent a lot of time overseas.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BAKER: It’s very unusual places.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BAKER: And where there is a — this is the way the governments in those places work.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BAKER: They will tell you what is correct and what is not.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BAKER: And if we don’t understand how dangerous this is, I mean, I know we’re making fun of it and because it deserves to be made fun of — in a sense. This is a very dangerous path for us to be going on. This idea that the President United States would be saying, you know, all your news networks, you got to — you got to sort, you know, shut down this misinformation. That is a — that’s something I would hear when I was overseas in the fourth world country.
GUTFELD: Yes. It’s like — I mean, could you imagine some president going hey, you back down. You’re fake news.
BAKER: Yes.
GUTFELD: Imagine that?
BAKER: No.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: No. All right.
(CROSSTALK)
BAKER: Yes.
GUTFELD: Up next, the answers were hyperbolic from the press who’s catatonic.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: He’s a quarter way through this four-year trip and finally takes questions about a sinking ship. With a stalled agenda in his myths. Joe calls some reporters from a preapproved list. Earlier this afternoon, roughly an hour before his usual bedtime. By now the press conference marking the first year of his presidency. It was this 10th since taking office, fewer than any of the five presidents before him.
He talked about COVID, the economy, voting rights stuff. But Joe, remember how you thought, not that many people would show up to vote in the middle of a pandemic?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Remember how we thought not that many people were going to show up to vote in the middle of a pandemic? And the highest voter turnout in the history of the United States of America? Well, I think if in fact, no matter how hard they make it for minorities to vote, I think you’re going to see them willing to stand in line and defy the attempt to keep them from being able to vote.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: So it just contradicted himself. Everybody voted, but there was voting suppression. Where? But for anyone listening to that voting rights speech, did he say that anyone was going to be a George Wallace or a Bull Connor? Or did he talk about a decision in history?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BIDEN: Anybody who listen to the speech, I did not say that they were going to be George Wallace or Bull Connor. I said, we’re going to have a decision in history that is going to be marked just like it was then. You either voted in the side. I didn’t make you George Wallace or didn’t make you Bull Connor. But if you did not vote for the Voting Rights Act back then, you were voting with those who agreed with Connor. If you notice, I haven’t attacked anybody publicly.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I guess we’re the ones who are hard of hearing. You said which side are they on, Mr. President, but you weren’t comparing. Joe snapped when someone else pressed him on that speech. But should we go back and read what he said?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
BIDEN: No, I didn’t say those. Look what I said, go back and read what I said. And tell me if you think I called anyone who voted on the side of the position taken by Bull Connor, that they were Bull Connor. And that is an interesting reading in English. You — I assume you got into journalism because you’d like to write.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: Someone needs his mush. Finally, why are reporters so obsessed with Russia?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You’ve talked foreign policy advisor to warn that Russia is now ready to attack Ukraine? Why should the threat of new sanctions give him pause?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: About Russia and Ukraine.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Standing up to Russia.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: You said that Russia would be held accountable.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Very quickly on Russia, have you determined whether President Putin plans to invade or move into Ukraine?
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: All right. Kat, Russia, Russia, Russia, it’s still going on. Not a freaking word about crime. Not a freaking word about the border. And all these reporters cared about was the voting bill and Russia. The two least important things for almost 99.9 percent of Americans.
TIMPF: Yes, I agree. Because when it started to be about Russia, I stopped listening. I’m sorry. I was really like.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Like I — like I get it. Like Putin (BLEEP) like I totally, totally. But it was kind of tough to watch, honestly. And then his argument about like the Bull Connor thing. He’s like, no, no, no, no. Do you guys — you guys seem to think I was literally saying that these people literally are Bull Connor.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
TIMPF: Like no, he’s — no, he’s not around. He’s like I wasn’t saying that he’s literally like you’re mistaken. How dumb are you? I was like, no, like, that’s not what happened. And you know it’s bad because he kept saying, how much longer am I going to do this?
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: And that happened, I did that the one only time I went to a SoulCycle class. And that’s not because it was going well. I couldn’t follow the choreography. So then I hate myself, like, oh, my — I don’t have enough rhythm for SoulCycle. Like, that’s pretty bad. So, it was really I mean, it didn’t — wasn’t not good. It’s not (BLEEP) I might say.
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: That’s two swear words from the little lady over there.
TIMPF: No. It’s like forever for.
GUTFELD: Baker.
BAKER: Yes, you did.
GUTFELD: Baker, what were your impressions of it? And do you have any specific gripes?
BAKER: Yes. I do. I think there were two things that were incredibly egregious here that he did. One was this idea that, again, if you’re not with the Voting Rights Act, and I think that’s a completely misnamed piece of legislation that, you know, you are essentially racist. That is what he’s saying.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BAKER: And we all know it, no matter how he tries to spin this. It’s just awful messaging. But I think he firmly believes it for whatever reason. The other thing is the idea that somehow if you don’t get this passed the Voting Rights Act, you can call into question the legitimacy of your next election.
GUTFELD: A huge part because —
(CROSSTALK)
BAKER: It’s enormous.
GUTFELD: Anytime you questioned anything that was considered anti- Democratic.
BAKER: Right.
GUTFELD: And he — the President went there.
BAKER: He’s done this now. And I think it’s, I – -you know, again, I’d like to think of something funny to say, I’m going to leave that to Jamie who by the way is going to be invoicing next week doing a show, Greg. And — but I think, you know, I can’t do it because I — as I was watching this press conference and he did that, it was very depressing.
GUTFELD: You know what it was — just another point on this whole unity thing. How he praised Mitt Romney. I think he said that he’s a straight guy, like — has a lot of kids. But this was the same person that Biden said, was going to put blacks back in chain. So this is what happens.
HEMMER: Greg, Mitt Romney said the other day that he hasn’t talked anybody from the White House since December. I disingenuous, a lot of this.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEMMER: I’m a news guy. I do news. I bring you news.
GUTFELD: Yes, yes.
HEMMER: So a couple things here. The turnout in this last election on a percentage basis with a higher than we’ve seen in 120 years.
GUTFELD: Right.
HEMMER: And then went out did polling, they found 94 percent of Americans said they were satisfied because it was easy for them to vote.
GUTFELD: Right.
HEMMER: So where is that argument coming from? I wrote down —
(CROSSTALK)
GUTFELD: Yes, absolutely.
HEMMER: I wrote down five things.
GUTFELD: Five? This is not “THE FIVE,” Bill. I only got two.
HEMMER: It’s going to quickly. His one failure was not getting Republicans into the game and making things better in this country named me one thing therefore, whether or not in favor being called Bull Connor.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEMMER: And racist. I have not over promised at all. I probably outperform.
GUTFELD: I love that.
HEMMER: Show that to the progressives. Omicron is not a cause for panic. Tell that to the folks who couldn’t get the therapeutic testing kits. Russian, Ukraine. I do think it’s a significant story. I think we do need to pay attention to it. He said a minor incursion. I don’t what that means?
GUTFELD: Yes.
(CROSSTALK)
HEMMER: One thing if it’s a minor incursion, I mean, Vladimir Putin may have just gotten the green light today. And we’re going to look at back at this moment thing that was not good for the world.
GUTFELD: Right.
HEMMER: Inflation, everything to do with the supply chain.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEMMER: No mention the two trillion that Congress passed back in March and nothing to do with more printing of money. In summary, I thought this went as expected. He did not move the ball. There was very little suggestion that he was up for changing over the coming year before midterms other than one thing. He said he’s going to get out there and meet and talk with the people.
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true. I’m scared of that.
BAKER: Damn. This is like big on Meet the Press.
GUTFELD: Yes, I was feeling, you know what, I was feeling pretty sophisticated there for a while. But then I remember you were here. Joe, do you have five things? Anything? Do you have five any things in your life the own five things?
LISSOW: Me?
GUTFELD: You own five things.
LISSOW: I have five — I had five quick things. The first one, the first one just says you’re doing a great job, keep going. These are just things to make me feel better (INAUDIBLE) throughout the show.
GUTFELD: That’s good. That’s good.
LISSOW: His Biden’s speaking voice combined with his content is perfect for a speaker if he goes to everyone fall asleep. And then he just quietly tiptoe out of the room.
GUTFELD: Right.
LISSOW: I was like falling asleep during most of it. I wish there was some way when he gets all, you’re a journalist? Your — I wish when he did that there was a green screen behind him. And it could look like he was in a house and the press was on the lawn.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: And he was just yelling at everyone. I think (INAUDIBLE) I don’t know. I’m just amazed that they were able to get that wax figure there so quickly.
GUTFELD: Up next. Democrats COVID solution meets trampling the constitution.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ANNOUNCER: “PLEASE GOD MAKE THIS END.”
GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Brits relax their COVID rules while the thought of more crackdowns makes Democrats drool. Yes, new poll says Dems are champs in bringing back internment camps. It’s a fair question: are Democrats becoming dictators minus the taters?
According to a recent poll, the party that once claimed to be against fascism now supports ideas that smack a pure authoritarianism. From the poll: 55 percent of Democrats support fines against those who are unvaccinated; 60 percent would support house arrest, which is the same treatment murderers get in Chicago. 45 percent of Dems would favor “designated facilities for folks who don’t get vaccinated.”
Now, where have we heard that before? It’s as if they want to concentrate people in one location, perhaps they could put them into the prisons the Dems emptied out for thugs or killers from. Wait, don’t give them any ideas. And they call us Nazis.
Meanwhile, across the pond, that’s the Atlantic Ocean, Kat. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is scrapping COVID mandates and not because wearing a mask drew attention to his hairstyle. Starting next week, no more mandatory face coverings in public or COVID passports, because like Pete Buttigieg, they just don’t work.
Well, that was cheap. The downside, you’ll want to get be able to see British teeth, also getting rid of work from home rules and self-isolation. Although, he still recommends social distancing from Prince Andrew. This is a strong signal; things are finally returning back to normal over there. So, could the easing of rules over there mean it’s time to do the same thing here? One thing’s for sure, Doodles, the dog, could be more thrilled.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: This is great, I used to sniff five-six butts a day. Thanks for breaking my addiction unconstitutional mandate.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: There you go. So, Jamie, last segment, I called you Joe, because I was thinking of somebody funnier. Did COVID turn Democrats into a legion of rabid authoritarian Karens or what?
JAMIE LISSOW, COMEDIAN: It’s not — this article, I rarely get like Pat infuriated. It’s nuts. It’s absolutely unbelievable. And some of it is, the — like the part where they were saying like if you go on social media and give out misinformation, we can find your — who’s, who says what’s misinformation?
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: Who’s the person that what is because that’s the whole thing, it’s going to — a lot of times when you listen to them, it’s an opinion and some of it is misinformation about the misinformation.
GUTFELD: Exactly.
LISSOW: And I would go as far as to say, I think pretty much all social media is misinformation.
GUTFELD: Yes, like if you look at my Instagram are like happy and successful, I’ve been depressed for two days. Can’t get out of bed. It’s all misinformation — like, you know, what I mean? It’s all like you on Facebook. It’s always good stuff on Facebook like you never see somebody like, oh, I just gained 10 pounds, and they’re holding up like a small pair of jeans that used to fit into.
It’s true. It’s very, very, very depressing. Bill, I always was told that it was the Republicans who were authoritarians, you were the Puritans, the fascists who wanted to limit rights, but we always knew it was the other side.
BILL HEMMER, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: My sense today is used to mention this deal with Boris Johnson in London.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEMMER: The wall’s starting to crack.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEMMER: There were two things that happened today about the vaccine mandates, Starbucks will no longer require their employees to have the vaccine.
GUTFELD: Really? Interesting.
HEMMER: 90 percent of their employees are already vaccinated. So, I’m done for business, right?
GUTFELD: Yes. And the World Health Organization. If you still give credence to the World Health Organization after their wonderful job in China, they will know — they’re recommending that airlines internationally no longer require vaccines for travel. That’s, that’s, that’s significant. I think the wall is cracking on this. It started in London, watch to see how —
GUTFELD: I predict. I said, February 1st is the end of the pandemic.
HEMMER: A lot of this has to do with Omicron.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEMMER: Omicron traveled without being hindered and not be infected no matter where the —
GUTFELD: You’re such a —
LISSOW: Anywhere this Starbucks is like, we don’t want you to have like to get the poke for the vaccine, but we do need to have at least six other piercings. Just not that one.
GUTFELD: Mike, it’s over, isn’t it? We’re getting it — when the Brits are doing this, it’s time for the governors in the United States to do same thing.
MIKE BAKER, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: That’s exactly right. I’m still chuckling over Josh’s joke there.
GUTFELD: He’s no funny —
BAKER: Yes, first of all, as someone who’s still retains their British citizenship, I really take offense at that, that teeth joke. But yes, we’ve been we’ve been trailing behind what’s been going on in the U.K. and Europe for most of this pandemic period. So, if we should look at that and think this is good news, right? It’s, it’s impressive that Boris Johnson and the government there in the U.K. have decided to do this. I think that’s it’s a strong move. Look, I think we’re always going to have a segment of society. I think there’s a group of in the population, particularly here in America that had become sort of very comfortable in this fear zone.
GUTFELD: Yes.
BAKER: And they may not ever really want to climb out of their foxholes. And I don’t want to — I’m not saying this in a disparaging way. I’m saying it in sort of a fascinated way of looking at how people absorb risk, or deal with risk.
GUTFELD: Or even accept it. Like, it’s like seep — or masks the new seatbelts for your face.
BAKER: Yes.
GUTFELD: You know, and it’s like, it’s like, seat belts are great, but you’re not you don’t have to wear — I mean, Israel did everything and Omicrons everywhere, and that’s kind of a good sign Kat, that maybe the politicians are seeing that the people are making a decision, and they want to get in front of the decision.
KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes, especially as everything they’re doing is not working. And I agree. I agree with you like, this stuff was crazy. So, 47 percent, they said it will support government tracking of people who are not vaccinated.
GUTFELD: I know.
TIMPF: For what? It doesn’t make any sense. No, no one would not, you know, get would get COVID that wouldn’t otherwise because you’re tracking unvaccinated people. But I also thought it was crazy how different these numbers were from that of the average voter or the likely voter. So, it’s just these kooky people and they all agree that there’s no limit to how kooky their kookiness goes.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: They’ll do anything government facilities. Sure, but you know, obviously, you know, people who are convicted of violent crimes can go free, but the vast majority of people are saying, so hopefully, sanity can win out because I’m sick of it. I’m sick of all this I’m done with it. Like I said, last year two shots, two COVID.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: I’m not doing it anymore.
HEMMER: Well, you got it twice.
TIMPF: Two shots and two COVID, sure did. And I’m not even that interesting. I’m not like going to raves and stuff.
HAMMER: Yes, you’re, you’re more interesting that Jack here.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEMMER: Or Jimmy?
GUTFELD: All right. We got to stop making fun of Steve. Coming up, prudes are given flack to an all-time great running back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
ANNOUNCER: “NATION OF NARCS.”
GUTFELD: Tonight at 9:00 — football great gets slammed for checking out babes on Instagram. Sure, the pics were slightly racy, but it doesn’t mean he’s Kevin Spacey. Former football player and current state Senate candidate in my squash partner, her sell, her sell her — Herschel Walker. Sorry, Jim. Was caught following several racy Instagram accounts. So, again, we welcome ourselves to the age of the narc where if they can’t find anything damning about you, they’ll act like something perfectly legal is criminal, like playing music after 8:00 p.m. or stealing a school bus and burying it in the desert.
Yes, but at least the second school — coolest person with G.G. initials shed some sanity on the slander. Glenn Greenwald tweeted, “BREAKING: It appears that Herschel Walker and adult male may occasionally enjoy looking at sexually explicit material on the Internet involving adult women.” Precisely, what are they trying to prove that her soul is human and not a robot? Congrats, you did it. So, where will the age of narcs lead to?
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Take out trash.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Mr. Conforto, nonsense snarks. You’re under arrest for writing on your own hands.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What? It’s not a crime to write on your own hand.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Sir, pens are for paper. Also, the t-word is offensive.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: T-word, trash? It’s literally trash, that’s literally what it’s called.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: He’s resisting and using logic.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What?
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No nonsense, no more. Violence is always the answer.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: What a beautiful, beautiful thought. Jamie, I won’t even ask who you follow on Instagram, but what are your thoughts?
LISSOW: Yes, I might be on the minority here, but I am, I’m a little bit appalled that people can tell what we watch on Instagram, not really worried about it.
GUTFELD: I don’t think you were appalled. I think you’re terrified.
LISSOW: I’m terrified. I was not shocked at all to find out Herschel was a guy.
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: I can’t believe he didn’t go with the ultimate defense. I have a real defense for this, you just go, dude, I followed all those Only Fans girls that week when they didn’t do that sexual stuff. Remember?
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: The one week they banned sexual content. I would claim I signed up for it. Yes. Because I don’t really think about Only Fans, I went on it today just for research and also to see like naked girls. And yes, it’s insane, there’s — they’re, they’re grasping at straws.
GUTFELD: Grasping at straws. Mike, thoughts.
BAKER: Yes, absolutely no shock. But also, this is the reason why people don’t want to go into politics, right? This is one of the reasons why when we look around and go, how did we end up with all these guys or these people in politics? It’s because a lot of folks look at and go, I don’t want to be anywhere near this. Look, I you know, my company, we do a lot of intelligence gathering around the world. We always stay away from political opposition research. We just don’t do it, and we don’t do it because it is a, it’s a cesspool, right, and it’s awful what goes on in these campaigns in terms of trying to dig up information. Who gives (BLEEP) —
GUTFELD: Exactly.
BAKER: What he’s following? Who cares?
GUTFELD: I look at racy photos. But that’s because I love NASCAR. I mean, think about the reporter, Hemmer, you’re a journalist. I mean, like how proud of you of this? Should you be of this clip that you get in your portfolio? Hey, I just did some research on Instagram and I nailed Herschel Walker, that’s like — a journalist did that. I mean, that’s — you’re helping no one.
HEMMER: I guess, Walker, could have been more careful. I don’t you guys, you scrub it.
GUTFELD: I didn’t look at what he looked at.
HEMMER: You know what, I heard this story and I thought Trump’s going to have a blast at the next rally in Georgia, and this could be a punch line, kind of sort of. Herschel should have been more careful, should have scrubbed it. All right. It’s a story for a day, will it cost him votes? I would argue, no. And I do believe that primaries in three months, we’ll see how it comes.
GUTFELD: Awesome, Kat, are you tired of this sex shaming?
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: Good.
TIMPF: Boy, I sure am.
GUTFELD: DO you know who Herschel Walker is?
TIMPF: No, I learned today, though.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Well, look, I saw his opponent said listen, his porn addiction is disqualified.
HEMMER: Oh, my God, yes.
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: Because he follows girls on Instagram. It’s basically like bikini pics, OK. And they’re saying that, that’s a jump to that from that, that’s a he has a disqualifying stupid problem. That porn addiction, that porn addiction — I mean, in Instagram, they don’t even allow nipples on Instagram.
BAKER: Well, it’s even worse than that.
TIMPF: Like, I’m not done talking, Mike Baker.
BAKER: Oh, stop Kat.
GUTFELD: I feel like I’m watching a married couple fight at a resort.
TIMPF: I just wanted to say is that the fact that he looks at this stuff?
GUTFELD: Yes.
TIMPF: I mean, there’s a lot of stuff on the Internet.
GUTFELD: Right.
TIMPF: There’s a lot of really disgusting stuff, wild stuff on the Internet. The fact that he is excited by this stuff is not sick, it’s like kind of adorable. Thank you.
BAKER: Oh, no, can I jump in and say something —
TIMPF: What was it? I’m curious what it was.
BAKER: Are you finished? I was going to, I was going to lead off of your really, really good point.
TIMPF: Thank you.
BAKER: You talk — when they talked about this point, actually, that the worst part about that was from a GOP rival.
TIMPF: Yes.
BAKER: Right. Republican rival running for that same that seat? And he said, well, I don’t know, but if this is Herschel’s porn addiction, right? I mean, the insidiousness of the whole thing. That’s why it’s —
GUTFELD: Wait, that was your whole point.
TIMPF: You interrupted.
BAKER: No, I had other stuff to say. But we don’t have any time because of what Kat was doing.
GUTFELD: I know because you talk.
BAKER: Oh my god.
HEMMER: Somebody has to.
LISSOW: And there’s no, there’s no way, there’s no way he has a porn addiction. I’ve never seen him in a meeting.
GUTFELD: That, that was worth waiting for. Good job.
TIMPF: Good job.
GUTFELD: Shane.
LISSOW: I like to button it up there.
GUTFELD: Up next, how would you react if a town made you trim your digestive tract?
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: You have to get your guts removed if this is where you want to move. The Antarctic town and Villas las Estrella’s which is Spanish for freezing my butt off, requires all residents to get their appendix removed before they can live there. Apparently, the reasoning is that the town is 625 miles away from a hospital and someone with a burst appendix might not be able to make it there in time. So, you got to lose your appendix to live there.
Well, it’s better than Miami, which requires a nose job, a boob job and a Brazilian butt lift to even be allowed outside the airport. Take it from me, best to schedule all three in one appointment. Kat, how is this different than living in New York and being an old person? If you have a heart attack in Midtown, you are not going to survive? If you have a stroke in Midtown, you are not going to survive, because it’s not the snow or the distance, it’s the traffic.
TIMPF: I’ll tell you how it’s different.
GUTFELD: How?
TIMPF: Because you can’t solve those problems ahead of time.
GUTFELD: Yes, I see.
TIMPF: You get the appendix removed; it’s not going to come back.
GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true. That’s true.
TIMPF: See, I should be a doctor.
GUTFELD: You should be a doctor, that scares me. Bill, the place is known for friendly penguins.
HEMMER: Yes. This is so out of man, man. I mean, you don’t drink, you don’t smoke, what do you do, right?
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEMMER: So, they’re telling you can’t bring a dog.
GUTFELD: Yes.
HEMMER: You can’t get pregnant. You can’t have your appendix. Right? So, you have no appendix. No sex. No dogs. Too cold to go outdoors. Sounds like a blast.
GUTFELD: I know, I know.
HEMMER: I can’t wait to go. And I will bring my appendix.
GUTFELD: Jamie, this is no different than your lifestyle on Fairbanks, Alaska.
LISSOW: It’s so weird. You said that when you move to Fairbanks, they surgically remove your hopes and dreams.
GUTFELD: Is it worth it?
LISSOW: It’s worth it. You know what’s easier than removing 2,000 appendices, Greg?
GUTFELD: What, what?
LISSOW: Building a small hospital, you (BLEEP) —
GUTFELD: Yes.
LISSOW: Build a small hospital. Mike, what are your thoughts?
BAKER: You know what, I still do have mine. Is a Brazilian butt lift a real thing?
GUTFELD: Yes, it is.
TIMPF: Yes.
GUTFELD: Yes, it is. It is.
LISSOW: It is. We talked about at the meetings a lot.
GUTFELD: There’s a specific meeting just for the Brazilian butt lift. It’s that addictive, yes.
LISSOW: In Brazil, they just call it a butt lift.
GUTFELD: They just call — all right, Mike, are you done?
BAKER: Oh, I’m completely done —
GUTFELD: Yes, you got work to do.
HEMMER: You got nothing?
BAKER: (INAUDIBLE) — look at the picture of the town we’re talking about.
GUTFELD: Yes, it’s not really.
BAKER: I mean, it’s — yes.
GUTFELD: By the way, what is, they say they have friendly penguins? That sounds like a euphemism. That’s where you pull your pants down, you run around the room trying to hug somebody. Don’t go away, we’ll be right back.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
GUTFELD: Don’t forget to set your DVR so you never miss an episode. Thanks to Bill Hemmer, Mike Baker, Jamie Lissow, Kat Timpf. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld, I love you America.
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