This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” March 24, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Hey there, how’s it going? Actually don’t respond. I can’t hear you. My new meds took care of that. So, let’s do some news. You know, when I look at the rubble in these bombed out cities of Ukraine, I’m reminded of some of the cities here except our refugees are heading to Florida. And we didn’t need bombs to do it. Just a few Democrat mayors who let the cities crumble and to wastelands of hopelessness.

If you brought Ukrainians from Mariupol to San Francisco to live, they’d be like, screw this, I’m heading home. Things are so bad. That’s the title of Dana Perino’s new book. It’s a sad fact about life as you let yourself go, it becomes easier to let yourself go even more. It’s a downward spiral. Baltimore, downtown Los Angeles, Kat’s office. That’s why — that’s why we make the cleaning crew sign a waiver.

When you create an environment of low expectations, many join in as others flee. And if they’re Democrats, they create that environment then flee to their gated communities. And the people left behind end up with legalized looting and no cash bail, remove basic standards and you make anything possible. And like the Democratic candidates for 2024, none of the possibilities are good.

For the last decade, we were told that broken windows policing was not just ineffective. It was in fact racist, along with math and trees and Christmas, the NFL and being white. The broken windows theory states that visible signs of crime, antisocial behavior and civil disorder creates an environment that encourages more serious crime. And by having police crackdown on those visible signs, it reduces more serious offenses.

You reverse decline and give residents a sense of pride in where they live. Simply put, people don’t crap where they eat. And in places like San Francisco, they need to take that literally. In New York City, when Giuliani took over, they use such policing and it worked, crime dropped, murder rates shrunk, the city became the tourist capital of the world. You never had to watch your back, well unless Andrew Cuomo was behind you.

Of course, that’s changed under the left-wing lurch known as de Blasio who abandoned broken windows policing crime, it’s exploded. But it’s been good for race relations. Now people of all creeds and colors live with broken windows, broken noses, and broken spirits. And remember, once we start living with broken windows in the streets, it might just become everywhere.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, Frank, you got a minute bud? Look, as your boss, it’s been brought to my attention, there have been several complaints about your behavior in the office.

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Like what?

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, your lunch for start, apparently everyday you’ve been microwaving your broccoli fish and sauerkraut casserole.

DEVITO: I’m on keto.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Well, you’ve also been caught stealing Rebecca’s breast milk out of the fridge. And we have got to have a conversation about your excessive bathroom breaks in the elevator. I just want to know what led to all this bad behavior.

DEVITO: Oh, broken windows.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Oh, OK. Well, that makes sense. Tell you what, you know what, sounds like you should be running things around here. I quit and good luck.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, I said, let’s do a skit about broken windows policing. I should have probably been more specific or maybe offered a few ideas. Something that might have actually contributed to this monologue. But for some reason, I found that entertaining. All right. But maybe things are changing in New York City. Last week, two dozen shootings took place, it left 29 people wounded.

The sound like cab stats. Suddenly Manhattan became Chicago, but with way better pizza. So, new Mayor Eric Adams rush to get more cops on the street in “a revival of broken windows policies.” Now they’ve decided to crack down on shootings. Gee, what a novel approach to law and order. I’m sure Alvin Bragg will have them back on the streets quicker than you can say, stab wounds.

Meanwhile, something weird is happening at the New York Times. They’re admitting that yes, there is a crime wave after all. First, of course, they blame everything but their own progressive idiocy. They point to the pandemic social isolation, lawlessness stemming from police violence. Yes. It’s the cops fault, As well as a rise in gun sales. Because it’s legal gun owners mugging you. It’s a list of the usual suspects which for liberals never includes criminal suspects.

But then they admit, it’s not only gun crime that’s rising. And also, crime isn’t being limited to the places where police brutality has been worst. And if the pandemic had caused it, why isn’t the crime wave hitting other countries? Then the Times writer blames, “A breakdown in societal norms.” We’ll get the smelling salts because I think I’m about to faint. It seems apparently when people feel frustrated with society, they lose trust in fairness and institutions causing a decline in empathy.

Most of us don’t commit crimes, but social alienation makes some people more willing to break the rules, creating this two-year crime wave. So that’s one explanation. But what’s it mean? Well, I doubt all it takes to go criminal is a lack of trust. It’s not like a cheating boyfriend who turns you into a lesbian for one college semester. But what — but what the research is saying is that when you let yourself go, you let everyone go.

And it happens fast when this moral decline is seen as a public right. Meaning of leaders except that a homeless male living on the street doing drugs and harassing women is a lifestyle, then it becomes one. If there are no consequences, go ahead and give into your darker impulses. Throw your trash out the window, punch an old lady, no one can judge your lifestyle even if it leads to the death style of someone else.

Ten cities and homeless encampment — encampments spread because our political leaders so terrified of the woke, lost the balls to set standards and found dereliction preferable to policing. Now smashing grabs are regular occurrences. That’s because the number one rule of lives and establishment media is to never judge anyone’s behavior. Unless of course it’s a political opponent. Everyone else gets a pass. Because who knows one day they might vote for you oOr stab you, whichever comes first.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. All of Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits wish she had chosen them instead. Former deputy national security adviser, K.T. McFarland. He worked for Ellen DeGeneres and survived. T.V. writer and producer Adam Yenser. She’d make a great host, according to virologists. Fox News Contributor, Kat Timpf. And he uses a parachute as a shower cap. My massive side tick in the NWA World Television Champion, Tyrus.

K.T., how’re you doing, huh?

K.T. MCFARLAND, FORMER DEPUTY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: Well, I’m kind of wondering what I’m doing here, but I’m thrilled.

GUTFELD: What does that mean?

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: We all do that.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: Everybody’s ganging up on me. You know what it is, K.T.?

MCFARLAND: What?

GUTFELD: It’s — because we don’t have our music. You know, we stopped doing the music for — because it’s solemn, you know, because it’s a war time. And now it makes us feel like we’re like a cross between NPR and a podcast. Everybody sitting around and quietude, makes me — makes me seem even weirder.

TYRUS: No. I think quietude sealed it.

GUTFELD: Yes. Quietude, is that a word?

MCFARLAND: Yes. Oh, actually it is.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Well, thank you, K.T. Do you want to talk about broken windows policing or do you want to talk about the New York Times theory that it has to do with social alienation creating crime. What do you make of it?

MCFARLAND: The New York Times. It’s just like everything’s — everybody else’s fault, right?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

MCFARLAND: It’s not the obvious stuff. But broken windows was effective. And I was in New York live in New York at the time, because what happened was that they decided they were going to get the turnstile jumpers.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: You know, the guys who were paying, there was just jumping over the turnstiles and running the waves and escaping through the subways. And it turned out they found him and they charged him with — I guess, you know, turnstile jumping. And it turns out that they were all had long criminal rap sheets. So then they got arrested and they got put where they should have been in the first place.

GUTFELD: That must suck when you go to prison and your bunk mates like a gang member, a killer.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: What did you do? Like jumped to turnstile. Yes. You’re not having lunch that day or the rest of the time you’re there because they’re going to take your lunch at him. I know because I did time. Hard time actually. Yes. Hard turn.

ADAM YENSER, T.V. WRITER AND PRODUCER: Where did they have you locked up?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Well.

TYRUS: Sorry.

GUTFELD: What did you say?

TYRUS: Nothing?

GUTFELD: I have a theory, Adam, would you like to hear it?

YENSER: I would love to hear you.

GUTFELD: All right. You know, I think that the reason why broken windows policing works is because it addresses the second law of thermodynamics, which is the natural like role of entropy, things are falling apart. And the — and broken windows policing seeks to reverse that. Is that — is that blowing your mind, Adam, the way it blew my mine?

YENSER: You’re like a scientist. You’re like Albert Einstein.

GUTFELD: I am. All right.

YENSER: Yes. It is. It’s entropy. You know, it starts with the broken windows, and then it goes to murder. And then it goes to poop on the streets.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

YENSER: Everything just kind of breaks down.

GUTFELD: Exactly, exactly. I would put it in that order. But you’re right.

YENSER: Yes. I think that’s the worst thing at the end.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

YENSER: And I love that the premise of the sketch was that you can just blame anything on broken windows now. Like last week, you could blame everything on Putin.

GUTFELD: Yes.

YENSER: And now anything you do wrong —

(CROSSTALK)

YENSER: Oh, that was broken. Oh, it’s broken windows. Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. Nobody likes saying it. Nobody takes personal responsibility anymore.

YENSER: No, they don’t.

GUTFELD: Oh, there’s an idea for a book. Where I’m on the cover and I’m like this. No more personal responsibility by Greg Gutfeld. Number one. New York Times best seller, Tyrus. Tyrus?

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: How you doing over there?

TYRUS: Maintaining.

GUTFELD: That is good. That is good. Will we ever return to normal if we’re defining normalcy down?

TYRUS: No, well, most of us have never changed.

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true.

TYRUS: It’s that — it’s that 10 percent of 10 percent of the woke Twitter world that is changing. They want to live in the external world. And we live in the internal world which means that we deal with direct problems. If my kids stole something, I don’t yell at Wal-Mart for having shiny toys. I —

GUTFELD: Goodness.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: — my child for stealing.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: None of the four stole to my knowledge yet.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: But the point is, is that the beautiful thing for them in the woke and these prosecutors with external problems, there’s no way to solve them. But there’s great ways to sound like you’re fighting him.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: Because when the — when the monster doesn’t have a physical form, you can say, well, it’s, you know, the reason why we have shootings is because of guns. You can’t arrest the guns.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You can’t find them. They’re not in — there’s not like a pack — Ron, there’s a pack of guns running down the street, looking (INAUDIBLE) people’s hands and make them do bad things. So, we can dump money in that. We can fundraise for that. We can go after anybody we want to saying well, they support guns. No, we just want the criminals who were actually using guns and knives or whatever to go away. But they live in that external world and it’s very popular right now. And it’s a good way to build a career and fundraise.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Because you’re never — you just change the external factor.

GUTFELD: Exactly. Kat, how’s your digestion today?

TYRUS: You are never going to live this down.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: I was so brave.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: I am proud of you.

TIMPF: I was really brave. And I made a lot of people feel better about their lives because they weren’t mine.

GUTFELD: I know.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: No, Kat. I think you got people to come forward. I literally got faces of people (INAUDIBLE) years going I too finally feel better.

YENSER: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: There’s a lot of moment I felt like it was a big moment.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s like I too have farted in front of my boss.

TIMPF: I didn’t. It wasn’t in front of you. It was —

GUTFELD: Well, I want to ask you, you know, as a libertarian, where do you feel — do you think that broken windows policing is an infringement on rights?

TIMPF: Yes, I do.

GUTFELD: Oh, you do.

TIMPF: Yes, I do. So, I completely disagree with pretty much everything you said.

GUTFELD: Oh, what a jerk.

TIMPF: There was actually NYPD inspector general report 2016 found no correlation between, you know, about serious crime —

GUTFELD: Where is it? Do you have it with you?

TIMPF: It’s on the internet. I wrote it down —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: How do you know that’s real?

TIMPF: I can send you the link. And also —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Well, I’m not a biologist.

TIMPF: I do believe — I do believe that things like stop and frisk are an infringement on people’s rights. So, it’s something about me that is absolutely true is, you know, move on the side over, I’m not going to going to let poop, you know, stop me from standing up what I — what I believe in. And — but I think the problem is that it’s not just the people rejecting broken windows policing but in some cities, people just rejecting the idea of policing.

And even the violent crimes are not being taken seriously, which I don’t understand how that could be anything anyone could support. But I — if you are committing violent crimes, you should go to jail for a long time.

GUTFELD: I think I would agree with you.

TIMPF: Yes. So there we go. We agree there.

GUTFELD: Excellent.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: I’m glad we cleared the air.

TYRUS: Oh. I see.

TIMPF: You know what?

TYRUS: Nope. Don’t, no, no. Don’t —

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: You’re welcome, America.

GUTFELD: Yes. Rise above my pedestrian.

TIMPF: I’m really brave and strong.

TYRUS: Thank you for your half service.

TIMPF: Yes. Some — don’t talk to a half veteran like that.

GUTFELD: All right. Up next, the fog of war is over Ukraine while problems mount under the man with no brain.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Putin’s got a — fit for a rapper. Well, as invasion plans head for the crapper. So as President Biden meets with NATO allies in Europe, the White House announced expanded sanctions on Russia. Meanwhile, a recent poll finds that 51 percent of Americans, that’s a majority, Kat.

TIMPF: Oh.

GUTFELD: Believe the world is less stable since President Biden took office. 24 percent says it’s more stable. They also said a stable is a place filled with horse poop. It’s a great metaphor for this administration. I don’t know. Anyway, we’re told it’s not going well for Russia’s ground war, we think maybe according to one report out of Ukraine, a Russian soldier ran over his commander with a tank to protest the death of his fellow soldiers.

It could have been a protest or maybe the soldier who was driving was a woman. A sexist would say, comrade, the colonel, your Medvedev, sorry, survived and he’s apparently in a hospital in Belarus recovering. He’s never going to see this. That we don’t go – we don’t — we’re not — we don’t air in Belarus. Now, we don’t know if this story is true. The Daily Beast which cited Ukrainian journalist when originally reporting, it wasn’t able to verify the story and neither were we.

And our defense, we didn’t really try that hard. My staff is very lazy, K.T. Meanwhile, the Ukrainians apparently sank one of Russian supply ships. And speaking of ships, according to U.S. officials, this 460 foot beast docked in Italy might be owned by Vlad Putin. Interestingly, Russian crew members working on the yacht abruptly left their jobs this week. Hmm. It’s got a helipad, a sauna, countless pools and solid gold toilet paper holders.

You know, they used to have those in CNN restrooms but Brian Stelter ate them all thinking they were made a chocolate. Tyrus, did you see that yacht?

TYRUS: Is his yacht game is strong.

GUTFELD: Yes, it’s very strong.

TYRUS: His yacht game is strong. I, you know.

GUTFELD: Seven hundred million dollars. That’s almost a billion.

TYRUS: Of the — of the people’s money. This is why you got to love communism, man. It’s just — the people’s boat. I mean —

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: I wonder how that works out. Is there a waiting list, is — on the long line of everyone because everyone’s boat.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: So, I’m assuming that everyone gets a turn, you know, driving the boat or (INAUDIBLE) the family, is it like — is it used for proms or high school graduations?

GUTFELD: I don’t think it’s a tourist attraction for Russians. I think if you get near that boat, you’re shot.

TYRUS: No, Greg. It’s what — that’s what socialism and communism is. It’s the people’s boat.

GUTFELD: All right.

TYRUS: He’s just making sure it stays safe and you, you know, he can’t let everybody on at once. So, just him until everyone learns how to act. I’m sure that’s what it is.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s quite — it’s quite — I think —

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: But it’s phenomenal. I’m surprised you don’t see more music videos on that boat. Like I would imagine that boat would do very well, in a lot of rapping videos.

GUTFELD: That is so true. That’s what maybe he should do in his spare time. K.T., we have not spoken since this whole war thing. What is your take? I mean, OK, let me — let me be more precise in my question. I can’t tell what’s true. I hear — like — their — like their two generals, retired generals on Fox. One goes, it was over already, like — but put — Ukraine was already flattened.

And then there’s another guy that I saw today going like, oh, Ukraine is winning. Ukraine is winning, we have to back them. And I’m like going, I don’t know what’s true. What’s true?

MCFARLAND: It’s fair and balanced.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: Look, it’s all about energy. It’s all about oil. And Russia for the fifth — last 50 years when energy prices are high Russia rebuilds its military, fights proxy wars, invade countries, when oil prices are low, the Russians hunker down.

GUTFELD: Really.

MCFARLAND: They don’t have any extra money. And the reason for that is, their oil companies and natural gas companies are all owned by the state. And the state then reaps all the profits. And so, Russia needs oil prices at about $80.00 a barrel. Not because they take that money to produce it, but because the state runs on it, that’s all their income comes. In America, our energy, especially with fracking oil and natural gas.

So, if oil is 40, $50.00 a barrel, our private companies can make money. So, that’s the difference.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCFARLAND: Now that the prices are well over $100 a barrel. What happens? Putin’s rich again. So, that’s why he’s invading he can invade. Why didn’t he do it a year ago, under Trump? Part of it was the personality of Trump.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCFARLAND: But the other part was he couldn’t afford it. So, if you really want to deal with Putin, bankrupt him. Produce American oil, natural gas, drive the price back down to $40.00 a barrel and Putin is broke. He’s got to hunker down and he can’t go on expeditions on his neighboring force.

GUTFELD: Or otherwise our government should take over our oil industries. How about that?

MCFARLAND: Yes. And that it would be just as incompetent as the Russian —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. See? That’s why I’m a great political thinker, Kat.

TIMPF: OK.

GUTFELD: I almost called Tyrus.

TIMPF: You see where you can make that mistake.

TYRUS: We both breathe air.

TIMPF: Yes. That is true.

GUTFELD: What do you think? That was pretty impressive what K.T. just said.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. Care to add anything?

TIMPF: OK. I mean, no —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: You want to talk about the yacht?

TIMPF: I do. I mean, yacht is stupid.

GUTFELD: OK.

TIMPF: I think a yacht that big is stupid.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: I think it would just make you sad. Because like this — it’s so — does anybody have like that many people who are their friends who will come to a yacht? Like I have friends I haven’t seen in years because I won’t go to Brooklyn.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: Like, I just think that I would spend so much time on that yacht just alone and thinking of all the empty places where friends are not.

GUTFELD: Yes, there’s a lot of space here. But see, I would enjoy the empty spaces.

TIMPF: But you don’t need that. It’s just — it’s — it — I think it’s a yard of sadness.

GUTFELD: You know what, it’s a yacht of sadness. As a libertarian, I’m disgusted by you because that shouldn’t enter the picture.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Well —

GUTFELD: You should say, no, it doesn’t matter who — what you need. It’s what you can afford.

TYRUS: Well, to be fair, when Putin gave out invitations to the boat party, not too many people said no.

TIMPF: Yes, that’s true.

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: Adam, you work — you know, you’re —

TIMPF: That’s one way to do it.

GUTFELD: You work at the Babylon Bee which is the probably the funniest site going right now. It’s hard to do comedy right now related to this topic or have you figured it out?

YENSER: I think we can do satire related to this topic. You can’t call Rachel Levin a man. Ellen has a yacht like that. I don’t think yacht of sadness.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Does Ellen have a yacht?

YENSER: She probably does. I don’t know.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: I feel that’s true.

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: — battleship like everyone does.

YENSER: But I feel like —

TYRUS: Yes. Of words.

YENSER: I feel like the reason (INAUDIBLE) to go to war last year’s because he was still paying off those toilet paper dispensers at IKEA. He’s is doing it in installments.

GUTFELD: That’s true.

YENSER: And now that that’s taken care of.

GUTFELD: Who need — you know what? I’m pretty happy — I’m pretty sure our management was happy I found a toilet angle to t his —

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: Yes.

YENSER: I was just saying, before the show you said we weren’t going to go there and you’ve gone to toilet in every segment for far.

GUTFELD: I know. I know.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I can’t — I’m 57. I know I look like I’m 30. But I’m 57. I can’t change. You know, it’s — what’s that line? Old Dog? Can’t teach an old dog —

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: Can’t teach a short dog tall guy tricks.

YENSER: You go to what you know.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. And boy, do I know poop. That’s my new book. I know poop. All the poop by Greg Gutfeld. Somebody make the cover. I hire a ghostwriter. We’re done. Gastroenterologist writer. Up next. You’ll be floored when wokesters hit the maternity ward.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

JONATHAN HUNT, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CHIEF CORRESPONDENT: This is a Fox News Alert. I’m Jonathan Hunt live in Lviv, Ukraine. Russia and Ukraine trading heavy blows one month into this war. It was victory at sea for Ukraine, with its forces claiming it destroyed a large Russian landing ship that had been used to bring in armored vehicles. It happened near the occupied port city of Berdyansk. And huge gains for Ukrainian forces outside the capital of Kyiv.

According to the Pentagon counter offenses there, have pushed Russian forces further from the city. Meantime, President Biden meeting with NATO and European allies on the table, more sanctions and military aid for Ukraine, but Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, saying they need more as he spoke to the Western leaders via video links. Stay with Fox News for all your coverage of this war. I’m Jonathan Hunt live in Lviv. Now back to “GUTFELD.”

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: We’re back. See, I can do the theme song. And they had their druthers they’d erase the term mothers. A woke hospital switches from maternity to absurdity. Evergreen Health Medical Center near Seattle, that’s a city, is reportedly considering changing the name of its family maternity center because it’s not gender inclusive enough.

Conservative Talk Radio Host Jason Rantz, that’s what he’s (INAUDIBLE) rants that he’s a talk show radio — I wonder if that is, well, anyway. Obtained a memo from the hospital saying that some claim the maternity ward “does not emanate inclusivity.” Sorry, did you say M-men-Nate? It’s M- birthing-person-eight now — you know because M-M-A-N. Now, they argue that all types of people give birth although it’s one type of person who ends up paying child support, am I right, Tyrus?

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Boom, the name is Tyrus. I knew that was coming.

GUTFELD: So, they’re going to hold a series of meetings to come up with a new name until then all birthing persons please keep your legs squeezed together until this is sorted out. But not all the employees support the change saying, it divide the staff like a serial killer at a sawmill. Some are even considering leaving due to the extreme wokeness.

The last time I checked those movies I stole from the public library, only women gave birth. But then again, I’m no biologist. Although, I love dissecting things. It makes time pass on the bus. K.T., the memo states that all, oh —

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: What is happening?

TYRUS: What is in your coffee? What is in your coffee?

GUTFELD: I was going to look for Kat, but I said K — Kat, K.T.

K.T. MCFARLAND, FORMER U.S. DEPUTY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR: I know, it’s really meant to trick you up.

TYRUS: Yes, I know —

GUTFELD: Yes, I want to ask Kat this question. You’re a woman.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Or so you claim.

TIMPF: Yes, I also claimed.

GUTFELD: Yes. Thoughts?

TIMPF: That was an excellent question.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Amazing — perfect execution.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

TYRUS: Give me your cup of coffee.

TIMPF: I just, I can’t say I see this as being a great use of time.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I looked at the word maternity right in the dictionary.

GUTFELD: Nice.

TIMPF: And one of the definitions was being or providing care during an immediately before and after child birth. Sounds like a pretty good description of what they do there.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I think it’s fine. And there’s not even mother that even, is even in every definition. I think that they really should be spending their time on something else. I think this is creating a problem that is a really a problem.

GUTFELD: Interesting. Adam, where do you fall on this?

ADAM YENSER, COMEDIAN: Well, maternity wards, they’re not designed to emanate inclusivity, they’re designed to emanate babies. That’s what they’re supposed to be putting out.

GUTFELD: I like, I like the arm movement. Is that how it happened?

YENSER: That’s how it —

GUTFELD: I don’t have children.

YENSER: I studied biology, and then I am a biologist, and that’s exactly how it goes.

GUTFELD: It’s like, you know, it’s like the gates in a gated community. Just it puts up and the it goes —

YENSER: As a man, I know exactly how this happened. But it shows you this, this story shows you the absurdity of these like language games that the woke crowd plays, because they want to get rid of woman because misgendering and say, woman doesn’t have a definition. And they come up with this word birthing person, which just defines the biological differences that the term woman separate in the first place.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

YENSER: It’s just you have to come up with new terms to define the same thing that the old terms —

GUTFELD: Yes.

YENSER: — already defined.

GUTFELD: It is a mind virus.

YENSER: it is.

GUTFELD: Which rhymes with Tyrus. You know, the war on x-kind of structures been done to death. We’re on Christmas, we’re on Easter war and St. Patrick’s Day, but this does feel like a war on women, which you’ve talked about. It actually, I mean, we’re reducing their value in language and indeed, in a way.

TYRUS: Well, women — you’re not alone on this, because this is how the woke solve problems. Did you hear about the bus driver?

GUTFELD: No.

TYRUS: So, remember, critical race theory was a big thing, and it was going everywhere, so apparently it was leading to some racial arguments by children on the bus apparently the black children on the bus were saying the white children were the problem and it was back and forth and black this, white this, and this that, whatever, and they wouldn’t sit together.

So, this woke bus driver, pulled over and he had all the kids get out. Get out, everyone, get out. I’m sick of this race. I’m sick of this black and white stuff. It’s done. We’re all green. Everybody’s green. We agree, the kids like, yes, we’re green. All right, everybody get back on the bus, light greens in the front, dark green in the back. But that’s how they solve problems. They take us on a long trip, we end up in the same (BLEEP).

GUTFELD: That’s good. K.T., what do you make of this?

MCFARLAND: I was probably the only person on this panel who’s actually given birth. I’d like that.

GUTFELD: Not so fast, K.T.

MCFARLAND: Well, that’s why I wanted to ask you.

YENSER: Are you assuming our gender.

GUTFELD: Yes, how dare you?

TYRUS: I’ve contributed to a few births, my son — I’m a contributor.

MCFARLAND: See, look at how excited everybody is getting about this, right?

TYRUS: No, you’re right.

GUTFELD: Yes. So, what’s your, what’s your what’s your solemn expertise?

MCFARLAND: About my — yes, my expertise on this topic says that this is all nonsense. I mean, I was going to call it something else, but this is probably not the show to call it that.

TYRUS: This is exactly the show.

GUTFELD: You’ve not been watching our show. All right, we got to move on. Coming up, could they change the rules on medicinal toadstools? Toadstools.

TYRUS: Good one.

GUTFELD: Yes, they’re called toadstools because they’re small for a toad.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Good old days, you know what I mean? The benefits of this fungus could be humongous. Yes, there’s a growing interest in legalizing magic mushrooms as people take a second look at its medicinal benefits. It’s also popular with M.D.s who call their patients dude. Psychedelic compounds like psilocybin, the one that makes the shrooms so magical are being studied for the potential use as antidepressants and even performance enhancers, especially if your performance is sitting through a four-hour phish concert.

At the state level legalization could happen sooner than you think and why? While the risk of fatal overdose or addiction is a fraction of that of alcohol. Veterans also say psychedelic therapy helps them manage their anxiety and PTSD. And it could also be effective for people who work with Brian Kilmeade. Let’s stop there. Because the next joke isn’t that funny. You know, Kat, you have absolutely no experience with psilocybin and neither do I. But isn’t it important to keep an open mind?

TIMPF: Yes. It’s obvious how much research there is that, you know, it can help with depression, it can help with PTSD, and so on and so forth. But also, I don’t think that matters as much as the fact that we shouldn’t be criminalizing a decision for what you want to put in your own body. So, I think you should be allowed to do it, even if research to show that it was kind of fun.

GUTFELD: Absolutely. I don’t mind it being used. I don’t mind anything being used recreationally, including me. K.T., you took magic mushrooms in the green room. How does it feel? What do you feel right now? You’re flying, aren’t you?

MCFARLAND: Oh, I’m having a terrific time.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Yes, I told you it’d be great. It’s going to last about four hours.

MCFARLAND: No, I mean, I’m one of the people who thinks that we shouldn’t legalize drugs in any way shape.

GUTFELD: Oh, I don’t —

MCFARLAND: But —

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: With, with the veterans, it is a big issue.

GUTFELD: So, I got to go to war?

TIMPF: What about half veteran?

GUTFELD: Yes, half veterans. But I mean, other people get depression —

MCFARLAND: The suicide rates, the suicide rates for people with PTSD.

GUTFELD: Yes, but there’s also overdoses on illegal drugs are sky high right now, like 100,000. This is amazing. And that’s because people can’t measure this stuff effectively. And so, if you make it legal, or get a prescription, then it’s in a dose that is easily manageable, which is what you’re seeing with you know, opioids versus fentanyl. Fentanyl people are just croaking on that stuff.

MCFARLAND: Yes.

GUTFELD: So, I think that I understand your compassion for the veterans because you are a veteran.

MCFARLAND: I’m not, but my family is and my daughter is still a lieutenant commander in the reserve.

TIMPF: I think this is the second time you’ve done this.

GUTFELD: Well, at least didn’t mistake her —

MCFARLAND: I mean, well, the equivalent rank of a three-star general.

GUTFELD: Oh, wow.

MCFARLAND: But not in the —

TYRUS: So, she’s a half veteran.

MCFARLAND: Yes.

TYRUS: Well, no, three — she’s —

MCFARLAND: Do the math later.

GUTFELD: Adam, do you have any experience with psychedelics?

YENSER: I’ve never done mushrooms. I always said if there was one drug that I was going to try, it fascinates me. But see, I go out in L.A., I go hiking at Joshua Tree, this national park out there and that’s when people try to pressure me to do mushrooms. They always say they go; you have to go to Joshua Tree and do mushrooms. Joshua Tree is beautiful on mushrooms and I always tell them, like you know what else is beautiful on mushrooms? Your garage.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

YENSER: Or the bathroom at a Wendy’s. Everywhere is beautiful on mushrooms.

GUTFELD: Yes. And also, and also you don’t want to go to someplace you’re not familiar with for the first time on something or you should just be at a place that you’re comfortable, like your home.

YENSER: And I’ve heard you should be in a good mood because it’ll get bad if you’re like —

GUTFELD: Good mood. You don’t — yes, don’t be around people that are weird.

YENSER: You’re going to guide me through it, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes, I will. I will meet you after the show. Tyrus, have you ever tried? What are you laughing at? Have you tried?

TYRUS: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. I still, one time but me and my boys were hanging out playing Domino’s or whatever, and we sent a guy out for pizza. And maybe marijuana. Not sure. Maybe. That was the first one — he came back with a bag. Literally, he was like Jack and the Beanstalk. He’s supposed to go out and get food came home with a bag full of beans. Well, homie came home with a bag full of mushrooms. And he’s like, you boil it, you put it in a tea and you drink it. And we’re like, this isn’t pizza, this isn’t green. So, I guess we’ll do it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: And I was like, this is dumb. This is so stupid, but we had for some reason in the middle of our apartment, we had this velvet painting of a river. And I didn’t notice it at first but like as we’d walk across the river, my friends would take the shoes off so they could walk across because they didn’t want to get their shoes wet with the river going across the living room. And then that’s when I realized it and then one of my friends went to walk and I grabbed him and I was like you can’t swim homie don’t go over there, it’s not good. So, it was it was pretty cool and then later on, 1:00 in the morning I ended up in my underwear sitting in in style waiting for people to come get me. After that, I was done. Yes, I did it once but I think anything that grows from the earth, we should always try to find the good things in it and not ban it.

TYRUS: Absolute because even a cocoa leaf done right is a good thing. It’s when it’s taken and made evil and twisted and out dose. But things that grow from the earth, we should really use it for what they’re for.

GUTFELD: Yes, if you come up with certain precise measurements, everything could be medicinal, everything.

TYRUS: Because I wasn’t getting my Jordans wet, it wasn’t happening.

GUTFELD: All right, I think we solve the world’s problems. By the way, if Putin got a psilocybin dose, the world would change. Actually, all political leaders should do shrooms. You can quote me, quote me on. I don’t care. I stand by that.

TYRUS: You got to be a good mood though.

GUTFELD: You got to be in a good mood.

MCFARLAND: Yes, I was going to say —

GUTFELD: Putin’s yacht becomes a psilocybin heaven.

TYRUS: It would be painted tie dye and all the water drained out of all the pools.

GUTFELD: Yes. But you’d never invade when you’re, when you’re high on shrooms. OK, up next, would you still buy a private isle, if you knew the owner was vile?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: “A STORY IN FIVE WORDS.”

GUTFELD: Short on time, so here’s the story in five words. Epstein Island, up for sale. All right, Adam, go on.

YENSER: I get this one first?

GUTFELD: Of course. Of course, what’s the big deal? I mean, we can’t — well, what’s the big deal? It’s not like the island committed the crime?

YENSER: First off when they announced Hillary she had COVID last week and Bill Clinton was quarantining, I imagine this is where he went to quarantine. No, this weird Blue and White Temple on a remote island, I’ll go hang out there for a while. But you know, I feel like it’s like when you but — like, you should go for it because it’s a discount Island. It’s like when you buy a murder house. It’s like oh, why is this island so cheap? Well, here’s the thing. Here’s what happened here, you know.

GUTFELD: And again, it is not the island’s fault, right?

YENSER: No, it is not the island’s fault. But if you’re thinking about it, I think you should go for it, Greg, and get the island.

GUTFELD: I don’t have 125 million to spare but who knows? Maybe I could work a little extra. Do what Kilmeade does and just work all the time. You hate your family life. K.T., would you consider buying this island?

MCFARLAND: So here’s the deal.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: You buy the island. You get the guestbook. And then, you have a whole side hustle of calling all the people a guest book and saying I have some information that you may not want public.

GUTFELD: Do you — I don’t think the guest book will come with the island.

MCFARLAND: How do you know?

YENSER: There’s got to be something buried there somewhere though.

MCFARLAND: Oh, there’s got to be evidence there.

GUTFELD: I’d be — there’s probably a lot.

MCFARLAND: Oh boy, DNA evidence.

GUTFELD: Again, you had to really scrub those walls and everything.

TYRUS: You’re going to have to really get a real really good maintenance crew.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

TYRUS: And you got to think about people still maybe hiding in there.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Old Senators.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Stuff when you open the closet like, oh, is it safe?

GUTFELD: Oh, there’s a Kennedy.

TYRUS: You know, kids digging in the backyard. Like Dad, we found fossils. Like, those aren’t fossils, kids, that’s a body. So, it’s probably a real fixer upper.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: And sure, they have a lot of showers in there. So, you’re going to feel dirty every time you go in every room. I just feel like it’s if you bought it, burn it, re-soil it and build it again. Because it’s just a lot of bad mojo in there. I mean, I don’t want to go in a haunted house. But like, that’s a pedophile house.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Wine glasses everywhere and bottles of aspirin because no one cleaned up, like candy and ice cream machines and weird music. No, thank you.

GUTFELD: Are you describing my apartment again?

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. You know, Kat. How — what do you feel? Like I, like I don’t look at things that way. I just I don’t see there’s like a, an experience inside of a product. Unless it’s like a murder weapon, I guess. I wouldn’t want a murder weapon. I wouldn’t want to eat my steak with a knife that was, that stabbed somebody, that would kind of freak me out, unless it was scrubbed.

TIMPF: OK. All right. Yes, I feel like it’d be tough because like, you couldn’t not think about it. I mean, it’s called, it’s called like everyone knows it as Pedophile Island.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: This collection of islands. So, I think I’m not going to go for it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Probably should buy an apartment first.

GUTFELD: Well, probably yes, you need to work yourself up the property ladder, Kat. So, don’t start with Pedophile Island.

TIMPF: I need to buy, I need to buy — I agree with you. I need to first buy a property.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. You know, it’s a warm feeling when you own something, right?

TYRUS: Yes. But Greg, when someone says, hey, let me come over to your house and they’re going to GPS yes it, and it is Pedophile Island —

TIMPF: Yes.

TYRUS: You got to explain that all the time? Like no, no, the guy before me was the pedophile and not me.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Yes. Just no, it’s awkward. You can’t pin it and like share it.

MCFARLAND: So, this is not like Putin’s yacht.

TYRUS: No, no Putin’s yacht, it’s fun, it’s great there’s mushrooms. There’s good time.

TIMPF: There’s mushrooms.

YENSER: I’m sure Putin has never done anything weird.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: If you know about it, you’re dead. So, yes.

GUTFELD: Somebody asks you what does it mean? Just say, I – like, oh, you know what you do? You just, you build all these bike paths, all the island —

TYRUS: Yes, that’s — Pedophile Island.

GUTFELD: And that it’s — I’m pedal, I’m pedalphile, I love to pedal. I love to pedal my bike.

TYRUS: So, you’re going to turn into your peloton dynasty.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: It’s misspell, will the peloton —

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Not, pedophile.

GUTFELD: I can’t believe I’m the only person that would consider because I don’t I you know I see the separation between the product and the —

TYRUS: You’d be a great lawyer for Epstein if he was here.

GUTFELD: Oh, that’s terrible.

TYRUS: It was peloton, it was peloton.

GUTFELD: Oh, disgusting. You disgust me.

TYRUS: A sicko —

GUTFELD: — would say. All right, don’t go away. We’ll be right back. Yes, we really nailed that topic.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thanks to K.T. McFarland, Adam Yenser, Kat Timpf, Tyrus. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld and I love you, America.

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